April 6, 2025

Attachment Theory and Open Relationships: Styles, Impact, and Strategies

Attachment theory explains how early relationships shape our patterns of bonding and security in adulthood. Originally developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, this theory identifies how a child’s bond with caregivers creates an internal “working model” for future relationships₁. Depending on the consistency and quality of care, individuals develop attachment styles that carry into adult romantic life. The four major styles are secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), and disorganized (fearful-avoidant)₁. Each style has distinct traits, behaviors, and ways of regulating emotions in relationships.

Open relationships – forms of consensual non-monogamy such as polyamory (multiple loving relationships), swinging(non-exclusive sexual relationships), or relationship anarchy (rejecting preset relationship rules) – add unique dynamics to attachment. How do different attachment styles experience jealousy, intimacy, and security when love is not confined to one partner? This report provides a deep exploration of each attachment style’s origins and characteristics, and then examines how they affect (and are affected by) open relationship structures. We will also offer research-based insights and practical strategies – for individuals and their partners – to navigate insecure attachment and foster secure bonding in non-monogamous relationships. Clear headings, tables, and therapeutic guidance are included to make this complex topic accessible for personal understanding, counseling, and personal development contexts.

Attachment Styles: From Childhood to Adult Relationships

Attachment styles arise from childhood caregiver interactions and influence how we behave and feel in adult romances₂. Psychologists often describe attachment along two dimensions – anxiety (fear of abandonment) and avoidance(discomfort with intimacy) – which combine to form four broad categories₃. Secure attachment is low in both anxiety and avoidance, whereas the three insecure styles involve elevations in one or both of these dimensions. The diagram below illustrates these four adult attachment styles in terms of high/low anxiety and avoidance. In brief:

Secure: Low avoidance, low anxiety – comfortable with closeness and autonomy.
Anxious (Preoccupied): Low avoidance, high anxiety – craves closeness, fears abandonment.
Dismissive (Avoidant): High avoidance, low anxiety – self-reliant, distrusts need for others.
Fearful (Disorganized): High avoidance, high anxiety – desires intimacy but fears rejection.

Each style has distinct “internal working models” of self and others, shaped by childhood experiences. Table 1 summarizes the core traits of all four attachment styles, including their typical childhood environment, self-image, worldview of others, core fears, and common relationship behaviors.

Attachment Style

Childhood Caregiving

View of Self

View of Others

Core Fear

Common Adult Relationship Behaviors

Secure (low anxiety, low avoidance)

Caregivers consistently responsive and nurturing

Worthy of love (positive self)

Trusting (positive others)

Low fear – comfortable with intimacy and independence.

Openly communicates needs; trusts partner and can be trusted₂. Handles conflict constructively and seeks mutually beneficial solutions₃. Doesn’t panic when alone or when partner spends time elsewhere.

Anxious / Preoccupied (high anxiety, low avoidance)

Caregivers inconsistent or unpredictable in meeting needs₄.

Insecure / unworthy (negative self)

Idealized (positive others; often puts partner on a pedestal)

Abandonment – fear of being left or unloved₅.

Seeks constant closeness and validation. May appear clingy or “needy,” asking for reassurance repeatedly₆. Hypervigilant to signs of rejection, and prone to jealousy or “protest” behaviors when anxious (e.g. excessive texting, acting out)₇₈. Highly emotionally expressive about worries₉.

Avoidant / Dismissive(low anxiety, high avoidance)

Caregivers emotionally distant or rejecting; child’s emotional needs often not met₁₅.

Self-sufficient (positive self)

Dismissive/distrustful (negative view of others’ reliability)

Enmeshment – fear of dependency or being controlled (losing one’s autonomy)₁₆. Also fears vulnerability.

Avoids emotional intimacy and tends to withdraw or shut down during conflict₁₀. Downplays the importance of relationships (“I don’t need anyone”)₁₁. Keeps partners at arm’s length; may appear emotionally distant or unresponsive. Uses deactivatingstrategies to cope – e.g. suppressing feelings, focusing on work or hobbies to create distance₁₂₁₃.

Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant(high anxiety, high avoidance)

Caregivers were sources of fear or harm (e.g. abuse, trauma) – the child’s safe haven was also scary₁₇. Care may have been highly inconsistent or chaotic.

Unworthy of love (negative self); also confused self-image.

Untrusting and afraid (negative view of others’ intentions), though may yearn for a reliable “rescuer.”

Abandonment and intimacy – a dual fear of being left and of getting hurt by closeness₁₈. (Desires connection but expects betrayal or harm.)

Mixed, contradictory behaviors (“push-pull” dynamics)₁₄. May be loving one moment and distant or antagonistic the next. Often struggles to regulate emotions – can experience intense jealousy or anger, then abruptly shut down or detach₁₃₁₄. Difficulty trusting partner’s love; may test partners or create drama, then feel remorse. Prone to both anxious clinging andavoidant distancing, leading to an unstable relationship pattern.

Table 1: Comparison of Attachment Styles – origins, perceptions, and adult relationship behaviors.₄

Secure Attachment Style

A securely attached individual typically had caregivers who were consistently available, responsive, and emotionally attuned in childhood. The child learned that they could rely on others to meet their needs, and thus developed a fundamental sense of safety and worth. As adults, secure attachers tend to have a positive view of themselves and others₅. They are comfortable with emotional intimacy and with independence – closeness does not scare them, and neither does being alone.

In romantic relationships, secure individuals communicate their feelings openly and are able to depend on their partner and allow their partner to depend on them. These relationships are marked by honesty, empathy, and balanced support. A secure partner typically exhibits healthy conflict resolution skills and emotional regulation. For example, securely attached adults handle conflict constructively (seeking solutions rather than blaming), are emotionally attuned, and can tolerate their partner’s needs without feeling threatened. They don’t constantly worry about abandonment or feel a need to push their partner away. Notably, a secure person still values their own identity and doesn’t cling – they enjoy closeness but also respect boundaries. In short, secure attachers provide a stable, “secure base” for their partners and themselves: a foundation of trust from which both partners can explore life, knowing support is available when needed₆.

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Style

An anxious or preoccupied attachment style often forms when caregivers were inconsistent – sometimes loving and present, other times unavailable or insensitive. As a child, one never knew when comfort would be given or withheld. This unpredictability leads the child to crave attention and worry about losing it. Consequently, the person grows up with a negative self-image (“Something must be wrong with me if I wasn’t consistently loved”) and a positive view of others (often idealizing partners while devaluing themselves). Deep down, anxious attachers doubt their worth and constantly seek reassurance that they are loved.

In adult relationships, the defining feature of anxious attachment is fear of abandonment. These individuals highly value closeness and intimacy, but because they doubt their own worth, they become hypervigilant to any sign of rejection or waning interest. Common behaviors include strong needs for validation and contact – e.g. frequent texting or wanting to spend a lot of time together – and difficulty when apart from their partner. They may repeatedly ask questions like “Do you still love me?” or need frequent reminders of affection₇. An anxiously attached person often experiences intense jealousy or anxiety in response to perceived threats (like their partner talking to someone attractive), and they can become clingy or emotionally “needy.” If they feel insecure, they might resort to protest behaviors: actions meant to regain closeness or test their partner’s love, such as sulking, withdrawing communication to see if the partner chases, or making dramatic displays of distress ₇. Unfortunately, these behaviors can sometimes strain the relationship, as the anxious individual may appear to never be satisfied with the reassurance given₈.

Emotionally, anxious attachers have high attachment anxiety – they often ruminate on worst-case scenarios (e.g. “Maybe they didn’t text back because they don’t love me anymore”). Their emotional regulation strategy is often described as hyperactivation of the attachment system_9. This means when they feel insecure, they turn up the volume on attachment signals – seeking closeness, asking for proof of love, and not letting the issue rest. For example, rather than being able to self-soothe, they may panic until the partner provides comfort. They are extremely sensitive to relationship dynamics and can sense even subtle changes in their partner’s mood, but they often interpret changes in the most fearful way (e.g. assuming “They are pulling away” even if the partner is just busy). In sum, the anxious-preoccupied style manifests in deep devotion and generosity in love, but also in chronic worry, jealousy, and behavior that can feel overwhelming to less sensitive partners_10.

On the positive side, anxious attachers care deeply and are often very tuned in to their partner’s emotions. With open communication and a reassuring partner, an anxious individual can gradually feel safer and moderate their fears. Indeed, if an anxious person forms a relationship with a securely attached partner who provides consistent love, over time the anxious person’s working model can shift toward security₁₁ (this is known as “earned secure” attachment – more on that in later sections).

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment Style

An avoidant (dismissive) attachment style typically develops when caregivers consistently fail to meet the child’s emotional needs. If a child’s bids for comfort are regularly rejected – for instance, a parent who says “Stop crying, be a big boy/girl” or is emotionally distant – the child learns that relying on others is futile or even punishing. To cope, the child suppresses their natural attachment needs and focuses on self-sufficiency. In adulthood, dismissive-avoidant individuals maintain a positive self-view (“I can take care of myself”) and a negative view of others (“Others are unreliable, demanding, or not worth the trouble”). They often pride themselves on being independent and not “needing” intimate relationships for fulfillment.

The core fear for avoidant attachers is often the loss of autonomy or being consumed by another’s needs. They value independence and personal space to an extreme, sometimes seeing a partner’s desire for emotional closeness as clinginess. In relationships, avoidant individuals tend to avoid intimacy and vulnerability. They may come across as emotionally distant or detached – for example, not comfortable saying “I love you,” or preferring practical activities over romantic ones. When conflict or big emotions arise, an avoidant’s reflex is to withdraw: they might shut down emotionally, become silent, or physically pull away to be alone. This is an example of deactivating their attachment system – essentially turning off the need for others as a self-protective habit. Common deactivating behaviors include:

Emotional disengagement: appearing stoic or unbothered, even when things are not okay, in order to avoid confronting emotional pain_.
Physical or conversational withdrawal: walking away during arguments, refusing to talk about feelings, or saying “I don’t want to deal with this.”
Focus on tasks or hobbies: immersing themselves in work, sports, games, or other solo activities to create distance from a partner after an emotional interaction.
Idealizing freedom: they might secretly think about leaving the relationship when intimacy grows, or romanticize being single, as a way to escape commitment in their mind.

Despite this aloof exterior, avoidant individuals do have feelings and attachment needs; they’ve just been conditioned to mute those needs. They often struggle to identify or articulate emotions because they’ve long learned to ignore them. Interestingly, avoidants can enjoy relationships up to a point – especially in the early, less serious stages or in situations where heavy emotional dependence isn’t expected. They may be very sociable and charming (having a positive self-image), but they keep depth at bay. Partners of avoidants often report feeling “kept at arm’s length” or like they hit a wall when trying to get the avoidant partner to open up emotionally.

In summary, the dismissive-avoidant style is characterized by high attachment avoidance – intimacy feels threatening – and relatively low attachment anxiety (they aren’t very worried about being left; often, they are more concerned with not getting too close in the first place). Their motto might be, “I’m fine on my own.” While this independence can seem strong, it often masks an inability (or unwillingness) to connect on a deeper level. With understanding and effort, however, avoidant individuals can learn to gradually increase their tolerance for closeness and develop more secure relationship habits (later we’ll discuss strategies like mindfulness and communication techniques to help avoidants).

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Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style

A disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style is often considered the most challenging of the four. It arises in highly dysfunctional or traumatic childhoods – for example, situations of abuse, severe neglect, or caregivers who themselves induce fear. In the classic scenario, the caregiver is simultaneously the child’s source of safety and the source of fear or harm. This creates an insoluble dilemma for the child: the person I’m biologically driven to seek comfort from is also frightening me. The resulting attachment strategy is “disorganized” because the child cannot develop a coherent way to get needs met – approaching the caregiver triggers fear, but avoiding the caregiver leaves the child unsupported. Often, these children exhibit bizarre or conflicted behaviors (for example, approaching the parent but with head averted, or freezing) in the Strange Situation test, reflecting their internal conflict. By adulthood, this pattern usually evolves into the fearful-avoidant style, involving a mix of anxious and avoidant traits.

People with disorganized attachment often have a negative view of both self and others. They typically feel unlovable or defective (like anxious attachers do) and also fundamentally distrust others (like avoidants do). A mantra might be, “I’m not okay, and you’re not okay either.” They crave love and connection (as all humans do) but lack trust that relationships are safe or that partners will truly care for them. Thus, they live in a state of inner conflict – wanting closeness, but fearing the very closeness they desire_.

In relationships, a fearful-avoidant may send extremely mixed signals. They can be very affectionate and eager for intimacy one moment, and then suddenly emotionally distant, wary, or even explosive the next. It’s not uncommon for partners of disorganized attachers to describe the classic “I hate you, don’t leave me” dynamic. The person might beg for reassurance, but when it’s given, they feel suspicious of it or suffocated by it. If their partner gives space (to accommodate the avoidant side), the disorganized person may suddenly become panicky that they’ll be abandoned, swinging back to anxious pursuit. This creates a push-pull cycle that can be bewildering and exhausting for both parties.

Emotionally, disorganized attachers often struggle with emotion regulation more than any other style. They may experience intense anger, grief, or anxiety but have difficulty understanding or managing these feelings (because their childhood taught them that emotions can be dangerous or overwhelming). Mood swings, impulsive reactions, or even dissociation (numbing out) can occur under stress. For example, if triggered by a fear of abandonment, they might have an angry outburst or frantic behavior to protest, but then later feel ashamed and withdraw. Alternatively, if triggered by fear of intimacy, they might shut down and “go cold” on a loving partner, then later feel lonely and plead for connection. This inconsistency is not manipulation in the conscious sense; it’s an unresolved internal battle between two opposing attachment drives (anxious and avoidant). As one guide puts it, the disorganized attacher finds relationships desirable and terrifying at the same time.

Individuals with disorganized attachment are also at higher risk for other issues like depression, anxiety disorders, or PTSD, given the often traumatic background. However, it’s important to stress that healing is possible. With appropriate therapy and supportive relationships, fearful-avoidant individuals can learn to integrate their experiences and develop safer attachment patterns. Many will require working through their trauma memories and learning healthy emotion-regulation skills (since they often didn’t learn those in childhood). Later in this report, we’ll delve into specific strategies for managing disorganized attachment (for both the individual and their partners).

In summary, the three insecure styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) are all characterized by some degree of difficulty in forming stable, healthy romantic bonds

Anxious attachers struggle with too much anxiety about the relationship, avoidant attachers struggle with too muchavoidance of closeness, and disorganized attachers struggle with both, in a fluctuating way. These patterns can significantly impact how people experience complex relationship structures like consensual non-monogamy, where additional partners and fluid boundaries may amplify underlying insecurities or, conversely, provide opportunities to heal them. In the next section, we examine how each attachment style plays out in open relationships such as polyamory, swinging, and relationship anarchy.

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Attachment Styles in Open Relationships (Consensual Non-Monogamy)

Open and consensually non-monogamous relationships (often termed ENM for “ethical non-monogamy”) introduce additional variables into attachment dynamics. In ENM, partners agree that romantic or sexual involvement with multiple people is acceptable, with mutual consent and honesty₁. There are many forms – e.g. polyamory (having multiple loving relationships), open relationships (a primary couple openly having outside sexual partners), swinging (partners jointly engage in casual sex with others), and relationship anarchy (no predefined hierarchy or rules, each relationship is defined by those involved). One might assume that only certain attachment types would be comfortable with non-monogamy – for example, a stereotype is that avoidant people prefer ENM (to avoid commitment) and anxious people could never handle it. However, research does not support simplistic assumptions. Studies have found that people in ENM relationships are no more likely to have insecure attachment styles than people in monogamous relationships₂. In fact, one study noted a higher proportion of securely attached individuals among polyamorous peoplecompared to monogamists₃. This suggests that with the right approach, open relationships can be navigated by various attachment types. That said, the challenges each style faces will differ.

It’s important to recognize that consensual non-monogamy often “lays bare” attachment issues that monogamous couples might partially avoid confronting. As polyamory educator Jessica Fern writes, non-monogamy can remove the external structure (exclusivity, marriage as a safety net) and thereby expose our raw attachment wounds – for example, fear of abandonment can become intense when a spouse or partner dates others₅. The upside is that ENM can also force growth: partners must communicate openly about feelings, boundaries, jealousy, and needs at a frequency that monogamous couples might not₆. This increased communication can, for many, lead to stronger emotional skills and even more secure attachments over time₇₈.

Below, we explore each insecure style in the context of open relationships, followed by how secure attachment functions in ENM. We’ll consider how each style might affect, or be affected by, different forms of non-monogamy (polyamory, swinging, relationship anarchy). Keep in mind that within “open” setups, there is a spectrum from hierarchical arrangements (e.g. a primary partner who comes first, plus secondary partners) to non-hierarchical or egalitarian arrangements (no official primary, all connections are more fluid). This distinction can be very significant for attachment – for instance, insecure attachers often cope better if they know they have a primary secure base even while exploring other relationships₉₁₀.

Anxious Attachment in Polyamory and Open Relationships

For someone with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, the idea of sharing a partner’s love and attention with others can be extremely challenging. Their core fear is loss of the partner, so any situation that seems to invite comparisons or potential abandonment is likely to trigger them. Indeed, research shows that anxious attachers tend to have less positive views of ENM than other attachment styles₁. In studies, anxiously attached individuals were more likely to be dissatisfied in non-monogamous relationships – likely due to jealousy and insecurity – compared to secure or avoidant individuals₂.

Emotional experience: An anxious person in a polyamorous setting may feel intense jealousy or anxiety each time their partner goes on a date or expresses attraction to another. They might constantly worry, “What if my partner likes the other person more than me?” The hypervigilance that anxious attachers already have can go into overdrive. Every schedule change or delayed text could be interpreted as a sign of drifting away. They may also feel a sense of inadequacy (“I must not be enough if they need others”), which can hurt their self-esteem even more.

Behavioral tendencies: In open relationships, anxious attachers might engage in frequent check-ins or seek a lot of reassurance from their partner when the partner is with someone else. For example, they may want detailed updates or need to hear “I miss you, I love you” often to calm their fears. If their partner has another lover, the anxious individual might feel compelled to compare themselves (Am I less attractive? Less fun? Will I be replaced?). This can lead to rumination and even attempts to compete for attention – e.g. going over the top with gifts or affection to “secure” their place. On the flip side, some anxious attachers might agree to an open relationship reluctantly – essentially because they fear losing their partner if they say no. An anxious person may consent to polyamory “to please their partner,” even if it hurts them, out of fear that not agreeing would cause abandonment₄. They might also hope that having multiple partners themselves could fill their need for attention – i.e. seeking additional partners not out of genuine interest but to not feel “left out” or to have more sources of validation₅.

It’s worth noting that anxious individuals can benefit from well-handled ENM in some ways. Because they are very attuned to emotions, they may actually push for the kind of deep, honest conversations that open relationships require. They tend to communicate about difficult feelings (even if it comes out as protest or anxiety) – and if their partner meets this with patience, it can lead to growth₆. Additionally, having multiple partners could mean an anxious person has more overall support and reassurance (e.g. if one partner is busy, maybe another can provide attention). However, this only works if all partners are sensitive to the anxious person’s needs and boundaries are clearly defined to make them feel secure.

Support strategies for anxious folks in ENM

Often, hierarchical polyamory (having a clearly designated primary partner) can help anxious attachers. Knowing “I am the primary; I won’t be displaced” provides a secure anchor₇₈. For example, an anxious individual might handle swinging (casual sexual encounters) better if they and their primary partner participate together, rather than the partner forming separate emotional bonds, because it feels less like emotional abandonment. Clear reassurances and rules are critical. The partner of an anxious person in ENM would need to go above and beyond with transparency and affirmations: e.g. setting expectations like “Friday is our date night no matter what,” or “We only have overnights with others on certain agreed days,” etc., to limit uncertainty. Regular verbal reassurances like “I love you and our bond is unique, other partners won’t replace you” are not excessive in this context – they are the “medicine” that soothes the anxious nervous system₉. In a relationship anarchist setup (which rejects labels like primary), an anxious person might struggle unless in practice they still feel a certain priority or special connection – otherwise the lack of structure can feed their fear that they are just “one of many” and could be lost in the shuffle.

Despite the hurdles, with strong communication, many anxiously attached individuals do participate in polyamory successfully₁₀. It often requires a very empathetic partner(s) and sometimes extra support (like poly-friendly therapy or support groups where they can talk through jealousy in a safe space). If the anxious person and their partners actively work on these triggers – using some of the strategies in the final section – an open relationship can become an arena for the anxious individual to gradually learn security: they repeatedly face the fear of abandonment, yet are reassured and find that the relationship endures, which can reinforce a new internal belief that “I am loved and not easily abandoned.”

Avoidant Attachment in Consensual Non-Monogamy

People with an avoidant attachment style are often presumed to be a “natural fit” for non-monogamy. On the surface, this makes sense: avoidant attachers value independence, dislike being emotionally needed, and prefer relationships with fewer demands – so having multiple casual or less entangled relationships might appeal to them. Indeed, avoidant individuals tend to have a more positive attitude toward the concept of ENM than anxious individuals₁₂. The idea of “several low-commitment partners” or being free to pursue novelty without obligations can sound ideal to a dismissive-avoidant₃₄. One might say the fantasy of ENM for an avoidant person is: I can have fun and companionship with many people, but none of them can trap me or get too close.

However, the reality can be more complicated. First, research does not find that avoidant people are disproportionately represented in polyamory communities₅ – all styles are present. Second, not all forms of ENM align with avoidant comfort. Avoidants like emotional distance, but some poly relationships involve multiple deep emotional bonds (which can actually be challenging for them). For example, polyamory in its ideal form means committing to multiple partners – being emotionally present and responsive to the needs of more than one person.

For a dismissive avoidant who already struggles to meet the emotional needs of one partner, juggling several can be overwhelming. As one article notes, polyamory “requires a high degree of emotional intimacy and vulnerability – two common triggers for avoidant attachers”₆. Thus, while an avoidant might initially be drawn to the freedom of ENM, they may find certain poly situations stressful when partners seek genuine closeness.

It’s not coincidental that many avoidant individuals favor arrangements like open relationships or swinging (which focus more on sexual variety and less on emotional entanglement) over deeply polyamorous family-style arrangements. In a swinging scenario, for instance, an avoidant person might enjoy the fun and novelty, and because it’s framed as “just sex,” they may feel less pressure to emotionally connect or cater to a partner’s feelings (beyond basic respect). This can allow them to maintain the emotional distance they are comfortable with.

Behavioral patterns

In ENM, an avoidant attacher might keep interactions very transactional or surface-level. They might set strict boundaries like “no sleepovers with secondary partners” or “we don’t talk about feelings with hookups,” reflecting their comfort zone. If they have multiple partners, they might compartmentalize relationships strongly – not integrating partners into their daily life or emotional world deeply. Partners of an avoidant in ENM might feel that they are kept in silos. For example, the avoidant might rotate between lovers, giving each a bit of time, but if any partner seeks more of them or starts expressing strong attachment, the avoidant individual could pull back or even end that relationship to avoid demands. If the avoidant person is part of a polycule (a connected network of partners), they may avoid group emotional discussions or metamour relationships (friendships with their partners’ other partners) because it introduces more emotional complexity.

On the positive side, avoidant attachers can thrive in more casual or autonomy-focused ENM structures. Relationship anarchy – with its emphasis on personal freedom and customizing each relationship – might appeal to avoidants philosophically. It allows them to define connections on their own terms, without the expectations that come with labels like “boyfriend/girlfriend” or “spouse.” An avoidant person might feel safer knowing no one is supposed to heavily depend on them (since RA rejects the notion that a partner is entitled to control your time or emotions). That said, even in RA, completely avoiding emotional depth is not sustainable if any relationship lasts over time; at some point, communication is needed, or else relationships will simply drift.

Challenges:

A big challenge for avoidants in non-monogamy is that while they may not demand much from others, others may demand more from them. If an avoidant has multiple partners, those partners each have needs – and cumulatively, that can be a lot. For instance, one avoidant man in a poly relationship commented that polyamory was like “having the responsibilities of several marriages at once” – an exaggeration, but it speaks to feeling required to invest emotionally in multiple people. Avoidants might also experience jealousy or insecurity, though perhaps differently: sometimes avoidants feel jealous not out of fear of abandonment (they assume they can find someone new), but more from an ego or territorial standpoint, or discomfort at seeing their partner become emotionally close to someone else (which can provoke feelings they usually suppress). They may not voice it, but it can manifest as irritability or increased distancing.

Support strategies for avoidant folks in ENM:

For avoidant attachers to succeed in poly/open relationships, flexibilityand communication are key. They should be upfront about their comfort levels: e.g. “I need a lot of personal space even if we have other partners; I’m not looking for a merged life.” If they find a like-minded partner (perhaps another avoidant or a secure person who is very independent), this can work well. Each partner should negotiate boundaries that protect the avoidant individual’s need for autonomy (as long as those boundaries are fair and consensual for others involved). It’s also helpful for avoidants to challenge themselves gently to nurture connections. For example, even if they don’t feel like checking in daily with a partner, doing so as a gesture of care can strengthen the bond and reassure partners that the avoidant isn’t indifferent. In poly contexts, avoidants might prefer hierarchical structures too – if they are a secondary partner to someone (meaning less is expected of them in terms of time/commitment), that might feel easier. Or if they have a primary, they might want that primary to also be fairly independent so they don’t feel smothered.

Research notes that, overall, avoidant attachers are not actually more prevalent in ENM, suggesting that those who do engage likely have found ways to manage the lifestyle. Many avoidant individuals report enjoying ENM with some work: they learn that they still must invest in communication and not treat partners as interchangeable. With effort to understand their own emotional triggers (see later strategies) and perhaps balancing the number of partners (to avoid emotional overload), avoidant attachers can form stable non-monogamous bonds. As one source put it: just as in monogamy, avoidants have “strengths and shortcomings” in ENM, and with self-awareness and work on their attachment triggers, a healthy ENM relationship is possible for them₇.

Disorganized Attachment in Consensual Non-Monogamy

For disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachers, open relationships can be particularly complex. These individuals simultaneously fear abandonment (like the anxious) and fear intimacy (like the avoidant), so ENM can end up triggering both sets of fears. On one hand, seeing a partner with others can spike their abandonment panic; on the other hand, being expected to emotionally engage with multiple people (or seeing a partner wanting deeper intimacy with someone else) can spike their intimacy fear and distrust. Unfortunately, there is relatively little direct research on disorganized attachment specifically in ENM settings₁. However, we can extrapolate from what we know about how anxiety and avoidance play out in poly contexts.

Emotional experience:

A fearful-avoidant in an open relationship may feel torn. Part of them might actually like the idea of multiple relationships because, in theory, it could give them an “out” when one relationship feels too intense – they can retreat to another partner (this could appeal to their avoidant side). Simultaneously, knowing their partner loves others could constantly threaten their sense of security – triggering frantic efforts to “hold onto” the partner (their anxious side). They might also experience a lot of envy or feelings of exclusion (“My partner has this whole world with their other lover that I’m not part of”) combined with guilt or discomfort if they develop strong feelings for more than one person (“Is it safe to care for two people? Will I get hurt twice over?”).

Behavioral patterns:

Fearful-avoidants might oscillate between extremes. For example, they could agree to a polyamorous setup during a stable phase, thinking multiple relationships might actually suit them – but then once it’s happening, they become very jealous or anxious and start demanding more reassurance or setting sudden restrictions (“I don’t want you seeing them more than once a week”). Alternatively, if feeling overwhelmed by emotional demands, they might withdraw or avoid talking about the poly relationship issues, which can cause their partners to feel shut out. They might also gravitate towards hierarchical structures naturally. Research suggests that people high in attachment anxiety/avoidance (which would include fearful types) often prefer a primary-secondary structure in ENM, because it gives them a secure base – a main partner to return to when other relationships stir up insecurity₂₃. A disorganized attacher “would likely need this type of configuration so they feel at least their main partner(s) will always be there when needed,” one analysis notes₄. In practice, a disorganized person might handle ENM only if they firmly believe, “No matter who else my partner is with, I am still their number one and they won’t leave me.” Without that assurance, the stress of feeling on unstable ground with every partner could be too much.

Additionally, fully non-hierarchical polyamory or relationship anarchy can be very challenging for disorganized attachers. In a setup where there is no primary and every connection is ostensibly equal, a fearful-avoidant may feel that nothing is secure – there’s no single relationship they can count on to anchor them. Since non-hierarchical structures require sharing partners completely (time, resources, possibly love and living arrangements) without a built-in priority, this can directly clash with an insecure person’s need for a reliable “home base.” As one study highlighted, people in non-hierarchical arrangements had to share “all levels of physical and emotional intimacy,” which insecure attachers (especially fearful ones) found difficult₅. It often takes a very securely attached person to feel safe without an anchor partner; a disorganized person might secretly (or overtly) create a hierarchy anyway (for instance, they may psychologically make one partner their primary even if the structure says there are none).

Potential benefits:

Interestingly, ethical non-monogamy could have a positive side for disorganized individuals if handled with care₆. Because they have both anxious and avoidant needs, different partners might fulfill different emotional needs. For example, one partner could provide nurturing intimacy and help the fearful-avoidant learn to trust closeness (soothe the avoidant fear), while another partner might allow more independence and a calmer, less enmeshed connection, which could feel safe in a different way₇. Having these different experiences might teach the disorganized person what healthy distance versus healthy closenesslook like, as one partner “helps them feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness, and another partner shows what a healthy distance can look like”₈. Additionally, a disorganized person might have varying attachment styles with different partners₉ – for instance, they might actually be more secure with a particularly stable partner. Engaging with multiple people could, in the best case, highlight these differences and encourage the person to model the secure dynamic across all relationships.

Support strategies:

For disorganized attachers in ENM, establishing clear agreements and safety signals is crucial. A primary partnership or at least a very explicit commitment from each partner about “I’m here for you” will likely be needed to calm the constant fear of abandonment_10<. All partners would need to practice a lot of patience and reassurance. Consistency is key: for example, if a fearful-avoidant’s partner always texts them goodnight even when sleeping over with someone else, this consistency can help reduce panic (the person learns “Even when they’re with X, they still care about me and keep me in mind”)₁₁. At the same time, partners shouldn’t completely coddle the disorganized person to the point of walking on eggshells – it’s a balance of providing stability but also encouraging the person to tolerate some discomfort and build trust gradually₁₂.

Given the complexity, it’s often advisable for fearful-avoidant individuals exploring polyamory to do so with the guidance of a poly-aware therapist or coach. They may need help differentiating whether a feeling is a real red flag or an old trauma being triggered, and assistance in communicating their often confusing feelings to partners. The partners, on their part, will need to create a non-judgmental space for the disorganized individual to vent fears without fearing it will scare everyone away. If successfully managed, the process can be healing: over time, the disorganized attacher may find that their partners don’t leave and are not out to hurt them, which can slowly rewrite their internal narrative toward a more secure one₁₃₁₄.

Secure Attachment in Consensual Non-Monogamy

Securely attached individuals often handle open relationships with relative resilience and adaptability. Since they have a fundamental sense of trust and low anxiety about abandonment, they are generally less prone to jealousy and more comfortable with the open communication that ENM requires. It’s been observed that many people in polyamorous communities exhibit secure attachment characteristics. One study noted that a greater percentage of polyamorous people are secure compared to those in monogamous setups. This doesn’t necessarily mean polyamory causes security, but it may indicate that secure individuals self-select into ENM or that ENM, done well, can promote secure-style behaviors (like communication, honesty, and mutual support).

Traits in ENM:

Secure attachers in open relationships tend to communicate transparently, negotiate needs and boundaries in a calm and collaborative way, and manage feelings of jealousy in a healthy manner. Jealousy can still occur (secure does not mean zero jealousy), but a secure person is likely to directly discuss it with their partner without lashing out or retreating in anger. They also are more able to feel compersion – a term in polyamory meaning taking joy in your partner’s joy with someone else – because they fundamentally feel safe and valued. Research on ENM couples shows that many report high levels of trust, intimacy, friendship, and honesty in their relationships, with lessjealousy than typical monogamous couples. These are exactly the qualities one would expect when secure attachment is present. In other words, successful ENM relationships often embody the same values as secure monogamous relationships – just applied to more than one partner. It’s not that secure people don’t feel twinges of insecurity, but they have confidence in themselves and their partners to navigate those feelings. They also typically do not interpret a partner’s interest in others as a direct threat to their own worth.

Role in polycules:

Secure individuals often serve as anchors or “hubs” in polycules. For example, a securely attached person might be the steady primary partner who provides reassurance and open dialogue to both their anxious secondary partner and their avoidant secondary partner, helping mediate and include everyone in a respectful way. Their security can be contagious, modeling positive behaviors. As the Attachment Project notes, ENM relationships are based on values like open communication and honesty which resemble those of secure relationships, and in fact practicing ENM can help people develop more secure attachment behaviors through frequent honest discourse of feelings. Secure attachers usually don’t view love as a zero-sum game; they believe it’s possible to care about multiple people and that closeness with one doesn’t diminish closeness with another (similar to how a secure parent can love multiple children without favoritism). This mindset can greatly smooth the challenges of polyamory.

Fostering security:

For those who are secure, maintaining an open relationship mainly involves continuing the same healthy habits: regular check-ins, respecting all partners’ feelings, and addressing issues proactively. If a secure person is with an insecure partner, their steady reinforcement and lack of defensiveness can gradually help the insecure partner feel safer. For instance, a secure primary partner can reassure an anxious secondary, or calmly give space to an avoidant one without resentment, thus meeting the partner’s attachment needs and helping them inch toward security. In fact, research indicates that attachment styles are not fixed – they can change depending on relationship experiences. A secure individual in an ENM network can be a healing influence, showing that openness does not equate to betrayal and that boundaries can exist without love being withdrawn.

It’s important to note that monogamy itself doesn’t guarantee secure attachment, nor does non-monogamy guarantee insecurity. As Fern points out, monogamy often provides an illusion of security via external factors (exclusivity, marriage vows), but true secure attachment is created by the quality of the emotional experience, not by the relationship structure or titles. Two people can be married yet insecurely attached (full of jealousy or emotional distance), whereas a polycule can be securely attached if they communicate and care for each other’s needs effectively. In secure attachment, how you love is more important than how many you love. That being said, engaging in consensual non-monogamy does “raise the stakes” in terms of communication – there are more relationships to manage, so any attachment cracks will require attention. But when approached with honesty and empathy, many ENM practitioners report a sense that their relationships are as secure or even more fulfilling than past monogamous ones.

In summary, a secure attachment style is a great asset in open relationships. These individuals demonstrate that with trust, honesty, and affection, love can indeed be “abundant” (not a scarce resource) and that multiple attachments need not threaten one another. Moreover, engaging in open relationships can be an opportunity for growth toward secure attachment for everyone involved – by demanding the kinds of communication and personal insights that attachment therapists encourage, ENM can catalyze personal development. As the Attachment Project concludes, any attachment style can work towards security in a relationship – monogamous or not – as long as the relationship centers on open, kind, honest communication and mutual care. In the next section, we turn to concrete strategies to achieve that: how individuals of each attachment style can help themselves, how their partners can support them, and how to cultivate secure bonds (and ease attachment fears) in non-monogamous arrangements.

Strategies for Navigating Attachment Styles in Relationships

Understanding your attachment style is a powerful first step – the next is learning how to cope with its challenges and move toward a more secure style. In this section, we provide therapeutic and practical self-help strategies tailored to each attachment style (a) for individuals who identify with that style, and (b) for their partners who want to support them. We also include general guidance on fostering secure attachment within non-monogamous relationships (c). These strategies draw on attachment-focused therapies (like Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment-based interventions), research insights, and real-world counseling practices for open relationships.

Nurturing Secure Attachment for Anxious Individuals and Their Partners

If you have an Anxious attachment style:

The goal is to manage your anxiety in healthy ways and build your internal sense of security. Here are some strategies:

Identify your triggers and practice self-soothing: Notice the specific situations that spike your anxiety (e.g. partner not replying for hours, or showing interest in others). Instead of immediately reacting, employ self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness meditation, journaling your feelings, or even physical exercise when anxiety hits. These practices help regulate surges of anxiety so you don’t automatically seek validation in panicked ways. For example, you might take 10 deep breaths and remind yourself, “No evidence my partner is abandoning me right now. I can handle this feeling,” which can prevent an anxious spiral.
Challenge anxious thoughts and “catastrophic” interpretations: Anxious attachers often assume the worst (e.g. “They are late; they must not care about me”). Practice questioning these thoughts: Is there another explanation? Remind yourself of evidence of your partner’s love (past texts, kind actions) to combat the feeling that they’re about to leave. Some people find it helpful to keep a list of “Things my partner has done that show they love me” and read it when insecurity flares – this counters the tendency to ignore positive data in moments of doubt.
Communicate your needs clearly (without accusation): Rather than using indirect tactics (sulking, hinting) or “testing” your partner, practice direct communication about your feelings and needs. For instance, use “I” statements: “I feel a bit anxious when I don’t hear from you at the end of the day. It would comfort me if we could have a short check-in call in the evenings.” This is more effective than letting anxiety build or acting out, and a loving partner can often accommodate reasonable needs once they understand them. Setting up predictable times for connection can greatly ease your worry.
Build a life enriched with support and self-worth: Invest in your own hobbies, friendships, and passions outside the romantic relationship. This doesn’t mean becoming avoidant; it means not making the romantic partner your sole source of self-esteem. When you have other fulfilling activities and supportive friends, you won’t feel quite as panicked if your partner is busy or away – you’ll have sources of joy and validation to turn to. Also practice self-compassion: when that inner voice says “I’m not enough,” respond as you would to a dear friend – with kindness. Consider affirmations or therapy exercises to improve self-image.
Consider therapy or attachment coaching: A therapist can help an anxious attacher unpack the childhood origins of their fear and develop coping skills. Techniques from Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help restructure negative thought patterns, while Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you communicate your attachment needs to your partner in a constructive way. Therapy provides a safe environment to process insecurities and can accelerate the journey to an “earned secure” attachment. Don’t hesitate to seek professional support if your anxiety feels unmanageable; many have found it enormously helpful.
Use journaling or externalization: Writing down your fears and feelings can be therapeutic. It externalizes the worry so it’s not just looping in your head. Some anxious individuals keep a journal where they log what triggered them, how they felt, and how they coped. Over time, this log shows progress and patterns. As the Attachment Project suggests, expressing your feelings (whether to a journal or a trusted friend) halves the problem – it’s easier than carrying it all internally.
Mindfulness and grounding techniques: Practicing mindfulness can train you to stay in the present moment instead of catastrophizing about the future. Techniques like body scanning, progressive muscle relaxation, or grounding exercises (e.g. naming things you see, hear, feel around you) can pull you out of the whirlwind of anxious thoughts. Even a short daily meditation can gradually increase your tolerance for uncertainty by teaching your brain to focus and let go. Studies show that trait mindfulness is linked to lower attachment anxiety, so these practices can directly chip away at the intensity of your anxious attachment responses.

If your partner has an Anxious attachment style:

Your consistent responsiveness can significantly help them feel secure. Here are ways to support an anxiously attached partner (while still caring for your own needs):

Provide frequent reassurance of love and commitment: An anxiously attached partner benefits greatly from hearing and seeing that you value them. Don’t assume “They should already know I love them.” Regularly voice your affection (“I love you so much,” “You are important to me”) and appreciation of them. During times that typically trigger them – say you’re going on a trip or you have less time for a week – be proactive in reassuring them that nothing is wrong. This consistent nurturing acts as the “remedy” for their anxiety. Simple acts like a loving text during the day (“Thinking of you ❤”) can significantly calm an anxious partner’s nervous system.
Be consistent and follow through on promises: Reliability is critical. Because many anxious attachers have a background of uncertainty, any inconsistency now can be extra triggering. Do your best to keep commitments – if you say you’ll meet at 7pm, show up on time; if you promise a weekend together, honor that. Broken plans or unexplained changes feed their fear that “I can’t rely on you.” Of course, life happens – but if you must deviate, communicate as early as possible and explain the situation. Also, maintain consistency in affection – sudden shifts in your behavior (becoming more distant or distracted) will likely be noticed and interpreted negatively. If you’re having an off day, it can help to simply tell them, “I’m stressed from work, but we’re good – just a heads up if I seem quiet.” This prevents them from personalizing your mood.
Practice open, regular communication (even about mundane things): Checking in regularly can preempt a lot of anxiety. Rather than seeing it as a chore, think of it as “connection maintenance.” For example, sending a text if you’ll be busy (“Back-to-back meetings this afternoon, but will call you tonight”) prevents your partner from spiraling if you’re unresponsive for a while. Encourage them to share their feelings and truly listen when they do. If they express worry, try not to dismiss it by saying “That’s silly” – instead, validate: “I hear that you’ve been feeling uncertain; I want you to know I’m here and not going anywhere”. Sometimes just being heard can reduce their anxious intensity.
Be patient and empathetic with their fears: It can be tiring if a partner seems to need repeated reassurance, but remember – they aren’t choosing this anxiety; it’s rooted in deep experiences. Responding with frustration (“Ugh, we’ve been over this!”) or defensiveness (“Why don’t you trust me?!”) often exacerbates their fear. Instead, try to empathize: “I understand that you feel afraid I might leave. I’m sorry you feel that panic. I’m here, and I’m not leaving. Let’s talk about what might help you feel safer.” A little empathy (“Their feelings are real to them”) goes a long way. Importantly, do not ridicule their neediness or call them “crazy” for feeling as they do – that will cement their negative self-view and likely increase the insecurity. If you need a moment because you feel accused unjustly, take a breath, remember it’s the attachment talking, not a lack of love or a desire to hurt you.
Gently set boundaries – and clarify them: Supporting an anxious partner doesn’t mean you must forfeit all your needs. It’s healthy to set boundaries so you don’t burn out or enable unhealthy behavior. The key is to set them clearly and kindly. For example, you might say, “I really value our contact during the day, but I can’t text while I’m at work. How about I send a good morning message and then call you after work?” This sets a reasonable boundary (no midday texting expectation) while also affirming care. The anxious partner then knows what to expect (certainty helps them). Another example: if you need solo time, you can explain, “I love spending time together, and I also need some personal time on Sunday to recharge. Let’s plan a special date Friday, and Sunday I’ll have my alone time.” Make sure they understand why you want the boundary (it’s not a rejection but self-care or practical). Once set, honor your boundaries – and encourage them to express theirs as well – this builds mutual respect.
Positive feedback and affection: Anxious individuals often doubt their worth, so consciously highlight their strengths and what you love about them. Compliment them on things they do right (“Dinner was delicious” or “You were so thoughtful to do X”). This boosts their self-esteem and gives them something positive to hold onto when self-doubt creeps in. Physical affection can also be very reassuring – sometimes a long hug or holding them can communicate safety on a visceral level that words might not.
Help externalize and resolve feelings: When your partner is stewing in anxiety, encourage them to talk about it(or write). You can lovingly ask, “Do you want to share what’s on your mind? I’m here to listen.” If they’re afraid of burdening you, reassure that you’d like to know. By helping them get their feelings out, you become an ally against the anxiety rather than the perceived cause of it. You might even gently help reframe their worries if appropriate – after listening fully, offer a perspective: “You worry I’ll find someone ‘better,’ but I want you to know that what we have is special to me and I’m not comparing you to anyone.” Additionally, if they tend to ignore their own needs to please you (common for anxious attachers), encourage them to voice their needs too. Make it clear you want the relationship to work for both of you, not just to keep you around.
Support their independence and growth: It may sound counter-intuitive, but one of the best things you can do is support your anxious partner in becoming more secure internally. Encourage their interests, celebrate when they spend time with friends or achieve something on their own. If they struggle with codependency, you might say, “It’s really great that you went to your art class – I love seeing you do things that make you happy.” This reinforces that you’re not threatened by their autonomy (some anxious folks hide their independent activities out of fear it might distance their partner; show them it’s healthy). If needed, gently suggest therapy or couples counseling in a positive light (“We could both learn tools to communicate even better”).

In short, being with an anxious partner means providing extra emotional insurance – more reassurance, more consistency, and more open dialogue. Over time, your responsive behavior can literally help rewire their attachment model to be more secure. That said, do take care of yourself too. Supporting someone with strong anxiety can be draining if you neglect your own well-being. Maintain your self-care and boundaries so that your empathy can continue. If you ever feel the balance is too lopsided or you’re “walking on eggshells” constantly, it may help to get guidance from a therapist to ensure the relationship stays healthy for you as well.

Creating Balance for Avoidant Individuals and Their Partners

If you have an Avoidant attachment style:

The goal is to become more comfortable with intimacy and emotional expression while respecting your need for independence. Here are strategies to move toward a more secure stance:

Build emotional awareness through mindfulness and reflection: Avoidant attachers often automatically suppress or dismiss emotions. Start practicing sitting with your feelings rather than immediately pushing them away. Techniques like mindfulness meditation, breathwork, and grounding exercises can teach you to tolerate the discomfort of emotions. For example, if you feel upset after an argument, instead of numbing out with TV or alcohol, take 10 minutes alone to breathe deeply and just notice what you’re feeling in your body (tight chest? lump in throat?). Journaling can also help you articulate feelings that are hard to say out loud. This self-reflection is like a muscle – at first it’s very hard for avoidants to stay with uncomfortable feelings, but gradually your capacity expands. Increasing your emotional intelligence and vocabulary will help you communicate better with partners over time.
Practice gradual vulnerability: You don’t have to spill your deepest fears all at once. Start by sharing small, honest feelings or thoughts with your partner. For example, if you normally would keep it to yourself when you’re sad or stressed, try telling your partner, “I had a rough day at work. I’m feeling a bit down.” This might feel very exposing initially, but notice the result – a caring partner will likely respond with support, not judgment. Such experiences will slowly disconfirm your fear that opening up leads to rejection. Let your partner know you do have feelings even if you don’t show them – e.g. “I’m not great at expressing it, but I really do care about you.” Over time, push yourself to discuss more meaningful topics (your worries, your hopes), one step at a time. Also, if you tend to stonewall during conflict, challenge yourself to at least say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed – can we take a break and come back to this?” instead of total silence. That small bid maintains connection even as you honor your limits.
Communicate your need for space upfront (and why): It’s important to accept and assert your desire for solitude in a relationship, rather than feeling ashamed or hiding it. Let your partner know early on that you have this need as part of who you are. The key is framing it not as a rejection of them, but as a personal recharge strategy. For instance: “Having alone time is really important for me to function well. It doesn’t mean I don’t love being with you – it’s something I need to feel my best. Could we establish that, say, Sunday mornings are my solo time?” By proactively speaking about it, you avoid the situation where you pull away unexpectedly and your partner feels hurt. When they know the reason (“this is how I recharge, not because I’m sick of you”), they are more likely to understand and not take it personally. And make sure when you do take space, you follow through on coming back together as agreed, so your partner learns that your distancing isn’t permanent or a sign of dwindling love.
Challenge negative beliefs about commitment: Many avoidants have an underlying script like “Commitment = loss of freedom” or “Depending on someone = weakness.” Try to reframe these beliefs. For example, consider that a committed relationship might actually enhance your life’s stability and not necessarily trap you. You can still maintain personal autonomy in a healthy relationship – it just requires communication and compromise. Remind yourself that relying on someone at times (emotionally) doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human, and it can actually deepen mutual trust. It might help to list what you value about your partner and the relationship – see the positive aspects of closeness (support, affection, teamwork in life) rather than focusing solely on what you fear losing (independence). Over time, work on the mindset that intimacy and independence can coexist. In a secure relationship, partners want each other to pursue their individual interests and growth – it’s not an either/or choice of “be in a relationship” vs “be your own person”.
Develop alternative coping strategies (besides withdrawal): When you feel the urge to shut down or run (during a conflict or if a partner is very emotional), experiment with healthier self-regulation. For instance, instead of abruptly leaving, you might use a safe word or phrase with your partner: “I need a timeout, but I’ll be back in 30 minutes.” During that break, do something centering (take a walk, do some breathing). Then return as promised. This breaks the pattern of total avoidance while still honoring your need to not be flooded by emotion. Another strategy: if you find yourself mentally dismissing your partner’s concerns as “nagging” or “too much,” try to consciously put yourself in their shoes for a moment (empathy exercise). Even if closeness feels suffocating at times, remind yourself this person isn’t trying to control you; they’re seeking connection because they care.
Lean into secure relationships around you: Avoidants sometimes have had few experiences of truly secure attachment. If you have any securely attached friends or family, observe and maybe emulate how they handle relationship stresses – it could be eye-opening. Also, allow yourself to trust supportive people in your life little by little. The Verywell guide suggests having a support system beyond your partner. Practice confiding small things to a trusted friend, or accepting help when offered. These acts can slowly erode the reflexive “I can only rely on myself” stance and show you that others can be dependable too.
Self-compassion and celebrate progress: As you work on these changes, be patient with yourself. It’s normal to slip into old habits; if you shut down or push someone away, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, use self-compassion: “These behaviors kept me safe in the past. It takes time to change. What can I do differently next time?”. Celebrate small victories – like, “Hey, I told my partner I was upset instead of saying ‘I’m fine.’” Each step is significant. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d give a friend who’s trying to grow. By speaking to yourself with understanding rather than harshness, you create an internal environment that’s less defensive and more open to change.

If your partner has an Avoidant attachment style:

Supporting an avoidant loved one means respecting their independence while gently encouraging intimacy. Here’s how you can help:

Respect their need for space and autonomy: Perhaps the most important thing an avoidant partner needs to feel safe is knowing that their need for alone time or independence will be honored – not seen as a betrayal. If your partner requests time apart or seems to withdraw to recharge, try not to chase or pressure them immediately. Give them the physical or emotional space they’re asking for (within reason), and communicate that you understand. For example, if they say they need a weekend solo, you might respond, “Okay, no problem – I’ll use that time to do my own thing too. I’ll be excited to see you when you’re back.” This shows them that you don’t take it as an offense and that you trust the bond enough to endure a bit of distance. Importantly, don’t guilt-tripthem for wanting space (“Oh, I guess you don’t want to be with me”). Guilt-tripping triggers an avoidant’s defensiveness and confirms their fear that relationships are clingy. Instead, show that you can tolerate and even support their independence.
Use soft, non-blaming communication: When discussing issues or asking for more connection, be mindful of your tone. Avoidants respond best to a calm, solution-oriented, and non-accusatory approach. If you come at them with intense emotion or blame (“You never tell me anything! You don’t care about my feelings!”), they are likely to shut down or flee because it feels overwhelming. Instead, try something like, “I miss feeling close to you. Could we find a time to just talk or do something together? I know you’re not a big talker, but maybe we can try a short check-in each day.” This kind of request is gentle and specific. Also, when raising a grievance, focus on how you feel and what you need, rather than on their character. For example: “I feel a bit lonely when we don’t talk about our days. I’d love if we could share more. What do you think?” – this invites them in rather than cornering them. Research suggests that “softened” communication (speaking in a gentle manner, validating their perspective) can have a calming effect on avoidant partners and keep them engaged.
Don’t personalize their distancing behaviors: It’s easy to feel hurt when an avoidant partner seems aloof or doesn’t respond in emotionally rich ways. Remember that their detachment is not a reflection of your worth or how much they love you; it’s about their comfort level with emotion. Try to separate the two. If they need a night alone or they don’t say “I love you” as often as you’d like, remind yourself, “This is how they are wired, not because I’m unlovable.” Avoidants often do love deeply, they just show it differently (maybe through actions rather than words). Look for the ways they do demonstrate care – maybe fixing things for you, or keeping commitments – and appreciate those. By not taking their style as a personal slight, you reduce friction. Also, if you feel hurt, calmly expressing “I know you sometimes need downtime; I just want to check if everything is okay between us? I worry when you pull back,” can open dialogue without accusation.
Positively reinforce vulnerability and closeness: When your avoidant partner does open up or make an effort to connect more, recognize and encourage it. For example, if they share something personal from their past, respond warmly: “Thank you for telling me that. It means a lot that you trust me with it.” If they manage to stay present in a tough conversation, acknowledge it afterwards: “I noticed you really tried to not walk away when things got heated – I appreciate that, it helped me feel heard.” Positive reinforcement makes them more likely to repeat those behaviors. Make sure when they take a risk to be vulnerable, you meet it with care and not criticism, otherwise it will confirm their fear that opening up leads to negative outcomes.
Be dependable and follow through: Avoidants, despite acting like they don’t need anyone, will only truly relax in a relationship if they see that you are reliable. Show them over time that you keep your promises, respect their boundaries, and are someone who won’t manipulate or trap them. If they test limits by, say, pulling back to see if you freak out, respond with steady reassurance but not desperation. For instance, you can say, “I sensed you were a bit distant this week; I just want you to know I’m here when you feel like connecting. No rush.” This signals stability. Over the long term, consistently being there (without pushing) can slowly chip away at their distrust. Essentially, you become the counter-example to their belief “people will let me down.” Reliability also means giving them heads-up about changes (so they don’t feel blindsided) and maintaining a sense of normalcy and security in the relationship.
Invite them to share (but don’t force): Encourage your avoidant partner to express themselves by creating a safe environment. For example, you might share your own feelings first in a calm way, which can implicitly give permission for them to reciprocate. You could say, “I realize I’ve been talking a lot about my anxieties lately. I’m curious – how have you been feeling? I really want to know, even if it’s something you think is small.” Let them know that their feelings, even if different from yours, are valid to you. If they struggle to articulate in the moment, you can propose alternative modes like writing: “If it’s hard to say, maybe write me a message sometime? I’d love to understand what’s going on inside for you.” However, avoid nagging them to share. Frequent prompting (“Tell me what you’re feeling! Why won’t you talk?”) can make them retreat more. Ask gently, give them time to process and respond. Celebrate if they do share. If they decline, drop it for now and perhaps revisit later in a low-pressure way.
Manage conflict with patience and calm: When conflicts arise, an avoidant’s instinct may be to withdraw or stonewall. If you can remain calm and non-confrontational, it increases the chance they’ll stay present. If they shut down, you might softly say, “We don’t have to solve this right now, but I do want to solve it eventually. Let’s take a break and come back to it.” Show that you are not abandoning the issue or them, but you’re also not going to force a marathon emotional talk when they’re overwhelmed. After a cooling-off period, gently re-engage: “Shall we revisit our conversation? I really value finding a resolution with you.” This balanced approach – not letting issues fester, but addressing them in digestible doses – can help avoidants participate in conflict resolution more effectively. Also, when discussing, keep feedback specific and behavior-focused (“I felt sad when you left the party without telling me”) rather than character-focused (“You are so uncaring!”). This feels less like a personal attack, making them less defensive.
Encourage their individual interests and self-care: Show your avoidant partner that you support their independence. Encourage them to take that solo weekend fishing trip or to have their guys/girls’ night out – and be genuinely happy for them to do so. If they know you won’t guilt them for doing things alone, they’ll paradoxically feel safer to connect (because they don’t have to constantly fight for autonomy). Likewise, be enthusiastic about their hobbies and accomplishments that don’t involve you, as this validates their independent identity. You might say, “I love how passionate you are about coding – it’s great seeing you in your element.” When an avoidant sees that being in a relationship with you doesn’t mean losing self, they won’t feel as compelled to push you away to preserve that self.

By providing a secure base that doesn’t threaten an avoidant partner’s freedom, you make it more likely they will inch closer emotionally on their own. Essentially, show them: you can have the space you need and still have me. Over time, as they trust this, they may lengthen the periods of closeness and shorten the retreats. It’s also helpful to gently educate yourself and them about attachment – sometimes avoidants don’t realize why they react as they do. If your partner is open to it, you might share an article or book on attachment styles and say, “This sounds a bit like you and a bit like me – it’s interesting. What do you think?” This non-judgmental approach could spark their self-awareness.

Finally, remember to attend to your own emotional needs too. Avoidant partners can leave the other person feeling emotionally starved if things are unbalanced. It’s okay to express your needs (in a calm way as described) and seek compromises. If despite your support, you find yourself constantly unhappy or disconnected, consider couples therapy. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), for example, is very effective in helping avoidant-anxious pairs find a middle ground – it helps the avoidant safely engage and the other partner express needs in a way the avoidant can handle. With mutual effort, a dismissive-avoidant can absolutely learn to be a more attentive, caring partner and you can feel more securely attached as a couple.

Healing Strategies for Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Individuals and Their Partners

If you have a Disorganized attachment style:

You likely experience internal conflict in relationships – wanting closeness but panicking when you get it. Healing this style often requires addressing past trauma and learning to self-regulate overwhelming emotions. Strategies for you include:

Seek professional help (trauma-informed therapy): Disorganized attachment almost always stems from unresolved trauma or abuse in early life. Working with a therapist – especially one experienced in trauma (e.g. using EMDR, somatic experiencing, or attachment-based therapy) – can be profoundly helpful. Therapy provides a safe relationship where you can explore trust gradually. A therapist can help you make sense of frightening early experiences and how they affect your current reactions. In therapy, you can practice new ways of relating (the therapist might “re-parent” you in some ways, offering consistent care you lacked). This can start to reorganize your attachment model. Treatment for disorganized attachment often involves processing traumatic memories and grieving unmet needs from childhood. It’s hard work, but many disorganized attachers do significantly improve their ability to have stable relationships through therapy. Don’t hesitate to prioritize this; your triggers might be too intense to handle alone. As one resource put it, healing disorganized attachment “requires more than self-regulation” – professional guidance is often needed.
Learn and practice self-regulation skills: Because emotion dysregulation is a hallmark of this style, actively building a toolbox of coping skills is crucial. When you feel that familiar storm of mixed anger, fear, and panic, pause. Employ techniques like: deep breathing, grounding exercises (describe your environment, hold an ice cube to focus on a physical sensation, etc.), or self-soothing activities (listening to calming music, taking a warm shower). The goal is to not act impulsively on big emotions. For instance, if you suddenly feel “I hate them, I want to break up!” in a moment of fear – hold off on reacting. Instead, do something to calm down and revisit the decision when you’re stable. Practice “response flexibility” – delaying reactions to give your wise mind time to kick in. Over time, this can weaken the knee-jerk “fight or flight” responses that sabotage your relationships. Some specific tips: if you tend to send angry texts when triggered, write a draft then wait an hour. If you tend to dissociate (go numb), learn grounding (name 5 things you see/hear/feel). These skills take practice; maybe start using them in low-stakes situations so you’re more able to use them in high emotion moments.
Increase self-awareness of triggers and patterns: Spend time reflecting (perhaps with journaling) on whatexactly triggers you in relationships. Make a list of triggers – e.g. “When I perceive my partner is ignoring me, I freak out” or “When someone tries to get too close or sees me cry, I shut down.” Next to each, note your typical response (e.g. lash out verbally, or withdraw). Simply mapping this out can help you catch the cycle when it’s happening: “Oh, I’m doing that push-pull thing now.” Understanding that these are attachment triggers – largely based in the past – can help you mentally separate them from the present reality. For example, you might remind yourself, “Just because I fear my partner will leave (trigger from mom leaving), doesn’t mean they actually will. This feeling isn’t necessarily truth.” Keep such insights accessible. If needed, share your triggers with your partner when calm: “Sometimes when I feel you’re mad at me, I get really scared and might start an argument – it’s something I’m working on.” This way, they at least know where it’s coming from.
Establish safety and stability in your life: People with disorganized styles often feel chronically unsafe or on edge. Try to cultivate routines and environments that make you feel secure. For example, maintain a consistent daily schedule, keep your home space comforting, and pursue activities that reduce stress (like yoga, martial arts for empowerment, or creative outlets). The more stable your general life is, the more capacity you’ll have to handle relationship fluctuations without tipping over. Additionally, limit chaos where you can – if you have very chaotic friends or situations that amplify your anxiety, set boundaries. Stability outside can nurture stability inside.
Use support networks carefully: You might have the tendency either to trust no one or to overly vent to multiple people about your relationship dramas. Try to identify one or two trusted friends or support groupmembers who are understanding of attachment issues, and use them as sounding boards when you’re unsure about your perceptions. Sometimes simply talking out your conflicting feelings with a friend (or writing on a support forum) can help you sort them more rationally. They might help reality-check your fears (“No, I don’t think your partner intends to abandon you just because they were quiet at dinner”). Hearing that can counter your internal narrative. However, choose people who are steady and won’t inflame the situation. Avoid those who might say extreme things like “Yeah, that’s a red flag, dump them!” unless objectively warranted. You want grounded feedback, not added drama.
Practice dialectical thinking (“both/and”): Fearful-avoidants often swing black-and-white: “My partner is perfect” vs “My partner is evil,” or “I must cling” vs “I must run.” Work on holding both sides. For instance, remind yourself: “I’m angry at them and I love them. I fear them and I need them.” This more nuanced thinking (common in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, DBT) can reduce the whiplash behavior. When you catch an extreme thought (“They’re going to hurt me, I should leave”), counter it with an opposite thought (“They’ve also been very kind at times, and I’d regret leaving impulsively”). The truth is usually in-between. By replacing “or” with “and,” you honor both sets of feelings without having to act on either extreme immediately.
Set small relationship goals: Gradually expose yourself to healthy relationship behaviors. For example, if your tendency is to flee after 3 months, challenge yourself: “I will stay in this relationship 1 month longer than I normally do and use coping skills when I panic.” Or if you usually refuse any dependency, practice one act of healthy dependency like asking your partner for comfort when you’re sad (maybe for 5 minutes, even if it feels awkward). Essentially, do little experiments that contradict your attachment fears, and see that the outcome is okay. Over time, these experiences will accumulate into a new evidence base that relationships can be safe.

If your partner has a Disorganized attachment style:

This can be challenging, as you may feel like you’re on a rollercoaster. However, consistent, empathetic, and structured support from you can provide a healing influence. Here’s how to help:

Be a source of consistency and safety: Predictability and reliability are absolutely critical when loving someone with disorganized attachment. Strive to be highly consistent in your words and actions. Follow through on plans, maintain routines (like always calling before bed, or regular date nights), and let them know ahead of time about any changes. Inconsistency is a major trigger for them, as it echoes the unpredictable care they experienced in childhood. By contrast, when you are steady, over time they will start to internalize that you are different – you can be counted on. Being a “safe haven” means if they freak out or push you away, you remain calm and present (without violating your own boundaries). For example, if they tell you to “leave me alone” during a meltdown, you might give physical space but gently say, “Okay, I’ll give you space, but I’m right here if you need me and I’m not leaving.” This addresses both their avoidance (respects request for space) and anxiety (assures you’re not abandoning them). Over time, consistent messages like that sink in.
Don’t take their extreme reactions at face value: A fearful-avoidant partner might say hurtful or contradictory things in the heat of an emotional breakdown (“I hate you,” or “I can’t do this anymore,” or conversely, “You’re the only one I trust,” switching rapidly). It’s important not to react with equal extreme or to panic. Remind yourself that these outbursts stem from their fear, not a measured judgment about you. Try to stay emotionally steady – like an anchor in their storm. If they push you away harshly, it may actually be a test or a reenactment of past patterns. Rather than getting angry and leaving permanently (unless abuse is truly intolerable), respond with measured calmness: “I know you’re upset. I’m going to step back for now, but I’m here and I care about you. We can talk when you’re feeling a bit safer.” After the storm passes, they often feel regret – how you handle the aftermath is key. If you can forgive reasonably and not retaliate, it builds trust. That said, set boundaries if any abuse becomes frequent or severe. You too deserve to feel safe – supporting them should not mean tolerating continuous toxicity.
Validate their feelings, but gently challenge distortions: A disorganized person’s fears (e.g. “You will leave me” or “You’re cheating” or “I can’t trust you”) are very real to them even if unfounded. First, validate: “I understand that when I went on that work trip, it brought up a lot of fear for you. I’m sure that was painful and scary.” Then, provide reassurance and facts: “I want you to know, I have never and would never cheat on you. I was out of cell range, not ignoring you. Here, look at the pictures I took; I was truly camping with my buddies.” Gently correct their misperceptions with evidence of your trustworthiness. You might have to repeat reassurances many times – try to stay patient. Over time, consistent proof + words (“I’ve got your back; I haven’t let you down before and I don’t plan to start”) may slowly rewrite their narrative of “people always hurt me.” It’s also important to not get defensive and angry when accused. If you respond, “How could you think that of me? That’s ridiculous!” they will feel misunderstood and even more certain you don’t care. Instead, after validating, you can say kindly, “From my perspective, I haven’t given reason to doubt me. Can you recall any times I’ve actually broken your trust? I’m willing to do what it takes to reassure you.” This invites them to reality-check while still feeling heard.
Use a calm and soothing demeanor: The way you communicate can either escalate or de-escalate your partner’s fear response. Try to keep your tone warm, steady, and non-threatening, even if they are agitated. A well-modulated, gentle voice can actually biologically help calm someone in fight-or-flight. If they’re in a panic, you might speak slowly: “It’s okay. I know you’re scared. I’m right here with you.” This might feel like what you’d do for a frightened child – and in a sense, their attachment system is flashing back to childhood fears, so a soothing approach is appropriate. Physical comfort (if they allow) like a reassuring hand on their back or a hug can also ground them, since fearful-avoidants actually do crave comfort even as they fear it. Respect their cues; if touch seems to help, offer it; if they flinch, give space and perhaps offer a blanket or something that symbolizes comfort without direct touch.
Exercise patience – building trust takes time: A disorganized attacher won’t become secure overnight. Expect progress to be nonlinear. They may improve for a while then have a setback (like a big meltdown after months of relative calm). When setbacks happen, try not to throw up your hands. Acknowledge the progress: “Okay, this was a rough incident, but remember how 3 months ago these were happening weekly, and now it’s been a while? You’re doing better, we hit a bump, and we’ll get through it.” This perspective can help both of you not feel hopeless. Don’t expect trust to form quickly; accept that you might have to “prove” yourself multiple times until their inner security grows. It can be tiring repeating reassurances or enduring tests of love, but each successful navigation is a deposit in the trust bank. Maintain healthy boundaries for yourself, but also recognize that extra patience is part of loving someone with this style.
Encourage them to communicate their fears (and listen supportively): When your partner is upset or behaving oddly, encourage them to express what’s happening underneath the anger or withdrawal. For example, in a calmer moment you might say, “I know sometimes your feelings must be really confusing or overwhelming. I want you to know you can tell me anything – even if you’re afraid or angry – and I will listen.” Then, when they do share even a small fear, actively listen without judgment. If they say, “Sometimes I feel like you’ll abandon me for someone better,” fight the urge to say “That’s crazy” or dismiss it. Instead, acknowledge: “I hear that fear. I’m sad you carry that feeling. I want to reassure you that I’m not looking for anyone else – I choose you.” Creating a non-judgmental space is crucial so they dare to open up. Also, encourage them to externalize feelings in other ways if direct expression is too hard – maybe suggest they write you a letter or even express through art or text message. When they do externalize (get it out), it often halves the intensity of the feeling for them.
Offer help in getting professional support: You as a partner can’t be their therapist (nor should you try to fix them all on your own). If they’re not already in therapy and you sense it would help, approach the topic gently. Emphasize that therapy isn’t about labeling them as “broken,” but about giving both of you tools to love each other better. Perhaps propose couples therapy (which can feel less stigmatizing than saying you need therapy). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, for example, specifically helps couples understand each other’s attachment needs and fears, often very effective for these dynamics. In therapy, a third party can help mediate when your partner gets dysregulated, and can teach them strategies to self-soothe and trust. If they are already in individual therapy, show support: ask how it’s going (if they’re comfortable), encourage them to stick with it on tough weeks, maybe offer to attend a session or two if they and the therapist think it could help you understand them. Demonstrating that you’re teaming up with their healing process – not viewing it as solely their problem – can be very reassuring.
Maintain your own support and boundaries: Loving someone with disorganized attachment can be emotionally intense. It’s essential you have your own outlets and possibly guidance. Consider seeing a therapist yourself or joining a support group for partners of individuals with trauma or BPD (note: not all fearful-avoidants have borderline personality, but there can be overlap in behaviors). Ensure you have friends or family to confide in (while respecting your partner’s privacy appropriately). Also, set clear boundaries about what is acceptable (e.g., “I understand you feel rage, but I won’t stay in the room if you call me horrible names; we can take a break and revisit when calmer”). You can be compassionate and firm that abuse isn’t okay. A healthy boundary might be, for instance: “If you threaten to harm yourself to make me stay, I will call a mental health professional – I love you and want you safe, but I can’t reinforce that tactic.” Setting such limits is actually loving in the long run, because it prevents the relationship from becoming codependent or destructive, and it models secure behavior (that relationships have respect and limits).

In summary, helping a disorganized-attached partner involves providing lots of steadiness, reassurance, patience, and gentle reality-checking. It can at times feel like you’re doing more than “half” of the emotional work – and that may be true during the healing phase. Ideally, as they become more secure, they will start to reciprocate the stability and you won’t always feel like the caregiver. Indeed, many formerly disorganized individuals, once healed, become exceptionally empathetic and loving partners (having done so much self-work). The process might be two steps forward, one step back, but with mutual commitment and possibly professional help, these relationships can reach a beautiful equilibrium. Remember that each time you handle a trigger in a loving and constructive way, you are helping rewire their brain’s expectation of relationships from “inevitably painful” to “potentially safe.” That is a profound gift to both of you.

Fostering Secure Attachment in Non-Monogamous Relationships

For partners navigating open relationships (polyamory, swinging, etc.), fostering a secure attachment environment is both crucial and possible. Non-monogamous setups might introduce extra triggers for insecurity, but they also offer unique opportunities to address attachment needs consciously. Here are strategies to cultivate security in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships:

Prioritize honest, compassionate communication: Open relationships absolutely require clear communication about feelings, boundaries, and expectations – this is also exactly what an attachment needs to feel secure. Make a habit of regular check-ins with each partner. For example, polyamorous triads often hold periodic meetings to “process” any brewing feelings (jealousy, concerns, needs). By bringing worries to the table early, you prevent silent resentments. Create a culture where all partners can speak up without judgment. Use “I” statements and express vulnerabilities (“I realized I felt a bit insecure when you went on that overnight date – can we talk about that?”) rather than accusations. When everyone communicates openly and kindly, trust flourishes, because there are fewer unknowns. Research on ENM finds that these relationships often emphasize open communication, honesty, and negotiation, which in turn leads to greater trust and intimacy.
Establish clear agreements and revisit them as needed: Ambiguity is the enemy of security in an open relationship. All partners should collaboratively set ground rules or agreements that suit their comfort levels. For example, you might agree on how much detail to share about outside encounters, whether certain acts are reserved for the primary relationship, scheduling priorities (like the primary couple always spends birthdays/holidays together), safe-sex practices, etc. Having these agreements reassures each person that their key needs are acknowledged and protected (much like a child feels safe when they know the family rules). Importantly, make these agreements flexible to update. As comfort grows (or new issues arise), gather and discuss modifying rules. This shows that the relationship structure is responsive to everyone’s well-being, which enhances secure attachment since secure bonds are marked by attunement and responsiveness to needs. For instance, a couple might start swinging only together (to avoid jealousy), but later, the previously anxious partner feels secure enough to allow separate play. Revisiting and mutually adjusting agreements can further increase the formerly anxious partner’s confidence (“We handled that change together and it was fine – I can trust this”).
Acknowledge and normalize jealousy or insecurity when it arises: Even secure folks feel pangs of jealousy. In CNM, it’s vital to address jealousy openly and non-punitively. If you feel jealous, admit it (to yourself and your partner) without shame: Jealousy is a normal emotion, not a failure. Then work together to find what alleviates it – maybe an extra assurance, or a tweak in behavior. For example, some find that meeting their metamour (their partner’s other partner) reduces fear, because the unknown person becomes a friendly face instead of an imagined threat. Others might set small rituals to reaffirm their bond after one has been with someone else (like always having a date night or intimacy with primary after an outside date). The key is not to suppress jealousy or mock it, but to use it as a guide to what attachment need requires attention. If your partner expresses jealousy, respond with empathy rather than defensiveness: “Thank you for telling me. I know it’s hard – what part bothered you most, and how can I help ease that?” This way, jealousy becomes a team problem, not an individual flaw. Over time, successfully navigating episodes of jealousy actually deepens trust – each instance proves that raising concerns doesn’t threaten the relationship, but rather leads to greater understanding.
Maintain a secure base / primary bond if applicable: Many polyamorous folks maintain one (or a few) core “primary” relationships even as they explore others. If you are in a primary-style structure, nurture that primary bond diligently. Make sure that each primary partner continues to feel special, valued, and “first among equals.” This can be through scheduled quality time, pet names, daily goodnight messages, or any symbols of your unique connection. As one study indicated, people in hierarchical poly relationships had lower attachment anxiety and avoidance with their primary partner than with secondaries – meaning the primary provided a sense of security that allowed them to engage in ENM more comfortably. So invest in that secure base. Knowing they have a secure home to come back to helps an anxious partner handle the partner’s excursions, and helps an avoidant partner feel less trapped because the security is on their terms. If you practice relationship anarchy or a non-hierarchical form, “secure base” might refer to emotional practices rather than hierarchy – e.g., ensuring each person feels heard and important even if there’s no rank. For instance, in a poly network without primaries, they might agree “Whoever has an emotional crisis, their partners will prioritize being there for them” – thus each person knows support will rally around them if needed. Creating that sense of “we’ve got you” in the network fosters security.
Emphasize compersion and positive reinforcement: Compersion – joy in a partner’s joy with someone else – is often called the “opposite of jealousy.” Cultivating compersion can greatly ease attachment insecurity. This can be done by actively celebrating each other’s outside relationship positives. For example, if your partner comes home glowing from a date, instead of shrinking, try saying, “You look happy – it makes me happy that you had a great time!” This reframes the experience as additive rather than subtractive. Over time, compersion can become genuine; you see your partner’s love expanding, not dividing. Additionally, reassure each other that experiencing pleasure or love with another does not diminish the love between the two of you. Sometimes verbally affirming that – “Our love is not limited; I have room in my heart for both of you” – helps align everyone’s mindset. In group settings, show affection and respect to all parties (a secure polycule often has a sense of camaraderie; even if metamours aren’t close friends, they treat each other kindly and without rivalry).
Allow each attachment style to have needs met: In polyamory, it’s possible to somewhat “customize” to different attachment needs. For instance, if one partner is more anxious, a wise poly arrangement might involve ensuring that partner has certain reassurances (like being the primary, or having a rule that the poly partner sleeps at home X nights a week, etc.). If another is avoidant, perhaps they have more freedom to set the pacing of secondary relationships or alone time. The idea is that within the openness, you deliberately accommodate each other’s attachment comforts. In a successful poly relationship, partners often become very fluent in what each person needs to feel safe. For example, one partner might say, “I know you get anxious if I’m offline too long with someone else, so I’ll send a check-in text during overnight dates.” Meanwhile, they might know the avoidant partner needs to feel not smothered, so they agree, “When you’re with your other partner, I won’t spam you with messages; I’ll wait for you to initiate contact.” By tailoring to these needs, you’re effectively doing what any secure couple does – making sure each person feels supported – just in a more complex multi-partner context.
Embrace a team mindset and shared values: In any secure attachment, there’s a feeling of “we’re in this together”. In an open relationship, adopt a strong team mentality among all involved. This means viewing external challenges (like an unexpected surge of jealousy or a scheduling conflict) as common problems to solve cooperatively, not me-versus-you. Also, ensure you have a foundation of shared values about how you treat each other: honesty, respect, consent, and kindness should be explicitly agreed upon as guiding principles. Many ENM practitioners create their own “relationship manifesto” or use tools like the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord (a chart of various relationship components to agree on) to clarify these values. Knowing that everyone involved holds the same ethical commitments – for example, “We all value transparency and each other’s well-being” – builds a sense of security in the framework of the relationship.
Leverage multiple attachments for support, not just stress: One advantage of polyamory is that a person can have multiple attachment figures, much like a child can be attached to both parents. Psychologically, this means if one partner is not available, another can provide comfort – potentially reducing overall attachment anxiety if managed well. To foster this, encourage positive connections between metamours if possible, or at least an environment where one can turn to another in need. For example, in a triad, if A is upset with B, A might find support from C, which stabilizes A rather than A feeling completely adrift. Even in a V (one person with two partners who aren’t involved with each other), the “hinge” partner can facilitate each partner feeling secure by perhaps all meeting together occasionally or sharing loving messages in a group chat so there’s a sense of unity. Research has noted that individuals can indeed have different attachment styles with different partners; one might bring out a more secure side. Use that: perhaps an insecurely attached person can “practice” secure behaviors with the partner they feel most safe with, then extend those feelings to interactions with the other partner.
Practice ethical transparency: In open relationships, secrets and lies are extremely corrosive – even more so than in monogamy, because they validate every fear an insecure partner might have (“See, I knew I’d be lied to!”). Thus, rigorous honesty (with compassion) is needed. This doesn’t mean sharing every trivial detail that could hurt; it means no major cover-ups or betrayals of agreed rules. If a boundary needs to change, renegotiate it rather than violate it behind the person’s back. Knowing that “we tell each other the truth, even when it’s hard” directly builds secure attachment, because consistency + honesty = trust. Secure attachment is created by the quality of experiences, not the structure, so focus on making the quality characterized by trust, caring, and truthfulness.

In essence, secure attachment in non-monogamy comes down to the same pillars as in monogamy – but with even greater intentionality. By being proactive communicators, establishing clear bonds and boundaries, and responding to insecurities with love and flexibility, partners can create a genuinely secure network of relationships. Indeed, many polyamorous individuals report that doing this work made them more emotionally intelligent and securely attached than they were before; the process forces growth that benefits all relationships. As one poly saying goes, “Love is not a pie with limited slices.” With secure attachment practices, love in an open relationship truly isn’t zero-sum – multiple secure bonds can co-exist and even reinforce each other.

Conclusion

Attachment theory provides a powerful lens for understanding how we love, fear, and heal in relationships. Secure attachment – marked by trust, open communication, and mutual comfort – is the healthy ideal that leads to fulfilling, resilient partnerships. Insecure styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) can pose challenges, especially under the complexity of open relationship structures, but they are by no means fixed destinies. As we’ve explored, each insecure style has identifiable patterns that, once recognized, can be addressed with targeted strategies by individuals and their partners. Through self-awareness, empathy, and often therapeutic support, people can “earn” secure attachment over time, transforming their relationships in the process.

Open relationships present an added layer of challenge by exposing attachment needs in a very transparent way – but they also exemplify what secure functioning truly requires: intentionality, honesty, flexibility, and deep respect for each person’s emotional needs. By actively practicing these, partners in consensual non-monogamy often cultivate exceptionally high levels of trust and intimacy. In fact, lessons learned in polyamory about communication and managing jealousy have broad relevance – they can teach anyone (monogamous or not) how to create more secure bonds founded on real communication rather than assumptions.

In the end, whether one is in a traditional couple or a polycule, the foundations of healthy attachment are universal. They include: feeling seen, safe, and soothed by our loved ones, and in turn providing them with the same. When partners commit to understanding each other’s attachment styles and actively meeting each other’s core needs (for reassurance, for space, for consistency, for respect), they create a relationship environment where all parties can thrive. It becomes possible to rewrite old attachment scripts – the anxious can feel secure, the avoidant can feel safely connected, the disorganized can find stability – because the relationship itself serves as a corrective emotional experience, consistently providing what was missing before.

Attachment wounds may run deep, but love – delivered with attunement and understanding – is remarkably healing. As partners, you have the opportunity to be each other’s “attachment figures” in adulthood: sources of comfort, encouragement, and home. This is true in one-to-one relationships and in chosen families of multiple partners. With the tools and strategies outlined – from mindful self-regulation to empathetic listening and clear boundary-setting – individuals and partners can break out of negative cycles and nurture secure, loving bonds that support personal growth. Remember that progress might be gradual, but every effort you make toward secure attachment pays off in a stronger sense of connection and security for everyone involved. In a very real sense, by healing ourselves and our relationships, we prove the essence of attachment theory: that through love, supported by understanding, we can grow whole.

Sources:

Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications(3rd ed.). New York: Guilford Press. (Key reference for attachment theory basics and styles)
Levy, K. N., Ellison, W. D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2011). Attachment style. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(2), 193-203. (Review of adult attachment styles and implications)
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524. (Seminal study linking adult romance to attachment styles)
Feeney, J. A. (2008). Adult romantic attachment: Developments in the study of couple relationships. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of Attachment (2nd ed., pp. 456-481). Guilford Press. (Attachment styles in couple dynamics)
AttachmentProject.com Blog Articles – “Four Attachment Styles: How They Manifest in Adults”attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com, “Anxious Attachment in Relationships – Guide” attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com, “Avoidant Attachment Communication” *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com, “Disorganized Attachment: Causes & Symptoms” *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com, “ENM and Attachment Styles” *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com. (Practical descriptions and tips for each style and ENM; updated as of 2024)
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press. (How attachment-focused therapy heals couples – useful for strategies) *verywellmind.com *verywellmind.com
Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thornapple Press. (Detailed look at applying attachment theory in polyamory) *greatergood.berkeley.edu **greatergood.berkeley.edu *greatergood.berkeley.edu
Moors, A. C., et al. (2019). Attachment styles and consensually non-monogamous relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(7), 1841-1859. (Research finding poly individuals were not more insecure on average) *attachmentproject.com *attachmentproject.com
Fleckenstein, J., & Cox, D. W. (2015). The association of an open relationship orientation with health and happiness in a sample of older US adults. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 30(1), 94-116. (Found CNM can be healthy; touches on communication) *attachmentproject.com
Overall, N. C., Simpson, J. A., & Struthers, H. (2013). Buffering attachment-related avoidance: Softening emotional and behavioral defenses during conflict discussions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(5), 854-871. (Supports using soft communication with avoidants)