Enlightenment, Relationships, “Successfulness” & Ego
Radical Honesty, Openness and Non-monogamy
I’m an advocate for radical honesty and openness. The openness in open relationships isn’t about open legs or “open zipper”… it’s about open communication. Transparency and truthfulness are the foundations of relationships, romance and sex. If two people are truly authentic and accepting of each other, a partnership won’t feel like arduous “work.”
I refute the common notion, “relationships take work,” which is crazy. The. only time a relationship takes work is when you’re not being yourself and you’re not accepting your partner. By being genuine from the start, partners relate more like close friends – a dynamic which rarely “requires work” in the stressful sense.
2 Rules
The two rules are simple rules which are absolute, intractable, inflexible and adamantine for all my romantic partners.
Rule 1: I will be no woman’s only male lover.
Every woman I date must have other male lovers. When I’m not with a particular girlfriend, she should assume I’m with someone else, and she’ll need to find ways to keep herself amused in the meantime. I insist my lovers also see other men so that they never develop an expectation of exclusivity. No amount of pleading (e.g. “But baby, I only want to be with YOU!”) will change my mind since one-sided exclusivity would inevitably breed resentment – a sure fire road to hell as jealousy eventually turns a woman into a “green-eyed monster.” By requiring each woman to have other “playmates,” I remove her justification for being uptight when I’m not available and it keeps me motivated to be the best among her options. This way, “complacency” is avoided on my part, and her needs are not solely dependent on me.
Rule 2: Every girlfriend must commit to do her best to get along with my other girlfriends.
All my partners are expected to be friendly and cooperative with each other. Since each woman knows there are always ‘others’ in my life, the very concept of jealous “rival” becomes moot. Any cattiness or bashing of other girls is self-defeating because it would threaten the very comfortable situation they all enjoy. In practice, this rule creates a supportive, even family-like network among my lovers. It guarantees a fundamentally harmonious and happiness-conducive lifestyle for everyone involved. If a woman cannot abide by this and causes drama, their own removal from the group is the consequence, so it’s in each girlfriend’s interest to uphold mutual respect.
Together these two rules form the ethical code of my polyamorous open relationships. These very simple, incredibly elegant pillars keep my home happy, and the ladies ecstatic.
Humans, like any other creatures, get bored with the same meal every day, no matter how good it is. By allowing (indeed encouraging) partners to sample “other cooks,” one ensures that when they return, it’s by genuine choice and with renewed appreciation. I’ll do everything I can to remain their best option, ensuring that they recognize they’re making the choice to be with me. Also that she recognizes she must be my best option in return. This voluntary, choice-based commitment keeps passion and “intensity” alive long-term, whereas traditional exclusive agreements often lead to feeling taken for granted – the death knell of any relationship.
Jealousy, Possession and Love
Jealousy is an opposite of love. Jealousy is just the sensation of your ego shouting at you, that if you gave your beloved the choice, they wouldn’t choose you.
Jealousy isn’t proof of love at all – it’s a manifestation of fear and insecurity (ego fearing rejection). Why would you want to be with someone who wouldn’t choose you?
Truly loving someone by contrast, means trusting that if they’re given the choice, they’ll stay because they want to – not because you’ve trapped or coerced them.
Humans cannot be property. Your partner is only yours so long as they choose to be… and this may end at any time. There’s nothing you can do to force someone to love or belong to you. Love is a voluntary continual choice rather than a binding contract. You should never attempt to control a lover’s behavior through guilt or restriction – doing so only breeds resentment and misery. Instead, grant freedom of choice, and if your partner repeatedly chooses you over other options, you can both take joy and pride in that.
Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is actually a special, highly impassioned form of Love, normally saved for people who SUCK! You can only hate someone if you care enough about them (even if that care is twisted into hostility); so long as you remain emotionally invested in the happiness and well-being of another person, you Love them. The true opposite of love would be indifference (having no emotional investment al all). Ego-driven feelings like jealousy and hatred corrupt relationships, whereas a genuinely loving approach is rooted in security, trust, and allowing each individual’s free will.
Self-Honesty
Happiness is a choice. Recognizing that happiness, like misery, is a state-of-mind – as as such, is always a choice.
Regardless of external circumstances, ,an individual can choose how to interpret and respond to life, thereby choosing to be happy rather than miserable. This empowerment of the ind goes hand-in-hand with radical self-honesty. Self-deception is the true root of all evil – be vigilant in avoiding lying to yourself above all. By being brutally honest with yourself about your desires, motives, and flaws, you can start to grow into a truly authentic and enlightened person.
Discover who you truly are and then never violate that truth. Never do anything you wouldn’t [normally] do; never compromise your core values or integrity even for a moment. This aligns your actions with your authentic self.
Develop “reasoned confidence” – a well-calibrated internal guidance system where your logical analysis and your emotions agree with your conscience before you make decisions. When your head, heart and morals are in harmony, you attain a state of clarity and confidence equating to true personal power.
Most everyone is attempting to follow an artificially constructed lifestyle which is both impossible and irrational. Society’s conventional rules and expectations (about relationships, success, gender roles, etc) are often “counter-human” – they go against our natural inclinations and set us up for failure or unhappiness. Many people hold themselves back from doing things they feel confidently about solely because they “seek the approval (or fear of disapproval) of anyone [they] don’t genuinely admire – which is madness. It’s irrational to let the imagined judgments of unimportant others dictate one’s life choices. Achieving enlightenment thus means freeing oneself from this social prison of needing approval. Anyone may simply walk out of their prison cell, and be free… but virtually no one believes it. People psychologically imprison themselves by accepting external limits that aren’t truly there.
Purge feelings of guilt or shame that society may have unjustly planted in you (for example, guilt about one’s sexual desires or lifestyle). This is a form of personal awakening or consciousness-raising – realizing that many of your limitations or negative self-concepts were learned, not inherent. By unlearning them (through the self-honesty and logic checks), one can achieve a kind of personal liberation. This is a state of being genuinely happy and self-satisfied – at peace with who you are and immune to external manipulation.
Successfulness
Successfulness is a term coined by Johnny Soporno indicating an ongoing state of being successful, as opposed to a one-time achievement. The conventional notion of success is only with winning or reaching a final goal. Originally, a success is merely an outcome; the result of an attempt. Every attempt you make is a success in itself – it produces a result and moves you forward, whether positive or negative. By this definition, the only true failure is not attempting something in the first place. The opposite of ‘Success’ is failure (i.e. not making an attempt). You only fail when you cannot, or will not, make any attempt.
Over generations we’ve corrupted the word success to necessitate a positive result, thereby making failure the only alternative. This all-or-nothing mindset demotivates people from even trying, due to fear of being labeled a failure. Reclaim the neutral, process-oriented meaning of success whereby every effort counts as progress (a success), and failure only applies when you give up or refuse to try. This reframing encourages consistent effort, experimentation, and learning – ultimately leading to better outcomes without the paralyzing fear of failure.
Being truly successful is not about wealth, titles, or external validation, but about one’s self-concept and happiness. When a persons “Self-esteem” (how you regard yourself and what you expect of yourself) and “Self-Confidence” (what you have proven you can do) are both appropriately lofty, and matched to each other, then you have attained self-satisfaction. Add to that the sense of primal happiness, and you have successful-ness. It’s a balance between your expectations and demonstrable abilities, resulting in contentment. If you know who you are, accept what you want, and have built the capability to pursue it, then you will feel successful regardless of any one win or loss. This state of successfulness is characterized by confidence without arrogance, ambition without desperation, and a general happiness that comes from living in alignment with your values and desires.
To achieve this, set realistic expectations and then steadily exceeding them. Manage both your expectations of yourself and of others (and what others expect of you) – because enduring persistent disappointment is irrational, self-defeating, and unnecessary. By calibrating goals to be challenging but attainable and not tying your self-worth to external approval, you create a positive feedback loop of success. Each attempt and outcome teaches you something (a success), bolstering your self-confidence, which in turn feeds a healthy self-esteem. When you measure your life by the metrics of personal growth, learned skills, emotional satisfaction and integrity, you can remain resilient and optimistic – always moving from one success to the next, even through hardships – and ultimately lead more successful life any any standard.
Ego
Ego is often the villain lurking behind unhappiness and stunted growth. The ego is a sort of internal saboteur, the voice in your head which intercepts everything you see, hear, and consider, and tells you what you are supposed to do – all in an effort to keep you within your comfort zone. This ego-voice constantly tries to protect itself from hurt or embarrassment so it discounts everything new or challenging as foolhardy and pointless, and sure to cause pain and humiliation. The ego fears change and vulnerability above all. It would literally rather you stay miserable but safe, than risk the unknown and possibly face pride-wounding failure. This is why someone might not a approach a person they’re attracted to or might not pursue a dream job – not because they logically can’t but because their ego whispers that it’s too risky and sure to cause pain and humiliation.
Do not eradicate your ego, it’s impossible. Master it. It will remain impossible to progress until you become comfortable ignoring or subjugating your Ego. Growth only begins when you can hear that internal voice of fear and choose to override it with your rational mind and genuine desires. Practice this by consciously stepping out of comfort zones and proving the ego’s dire predictions wrong. Over time, one’s “reasoned confidence” (the balanced confidence between logic and emotion) can trump the irrational voice of ego. Get your ego to serve you rather than your serving it. When faced with a new opportunity or challenge, instead of heeding the automatic “don’t do it” from ego, weight the real pros and cons (as if advising a friend). This way, ego becomes just one input, not the master decision-maker.
Ego is linked directly to destructive emotions like jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness. Jealousy is the ego’s fear of not being chosen. Likewise, the need to control a partner or to feel “ownership” in love comes from the ego’s vulnerability. By subduing the ego, you can approach relationships with confidence and openness. A person with ego in check doesn’t feel threatened by their partner’s freedom or other connections, because their self-worth isn’t depending on dominating the partner. This is evident in Rule Two (partners must get along with each other) – it requires everyone to set aside ego-based envy and trust that they each offer unique value to the relationship circle. The ego also shows up in conflicts as pride: the impulse to “win” an argument or not admit fault. Honesty and integrity over saving face is to sideline the ego for the greater good of the relationship and one’s own growth.
To Summarize
Ego consciousness is a hurdle to enlightenment and love. It’s the part of us that craves validation, fears judgment, and resists change. Recognize this voice for what it is and deliberately override its influence through reason and authenticity. By doing so, individuals stop punishing themselves for things outside of their control – e.g. you can’t control someone else’s feelings (so don’t obsess over it), and you can’t always avoid mistakes (so don’t let ego paralyze you with fear). Mastering the ego leads to genuine confidence: you make choices based on your values and desires, not based on what will keep your pride safest. This inner mastery then reflects outwardly in calmer, more secure relationships, greater willingness to take opportunities, and an overall equilibrium in life. Personal freedom and happiness are achieved by conquering the ego and embracing a mindset of honesty, courage, and open-hearted engagement with the world around you.
