The Psychology of Inadequacy and Insecurity in Open Relationships

Table of Contents

three friends having a conversation in the bedroom open relationship insecurity

Open relationships – often termed consensual non-monogamy (CNM) – include arrangements like polyamory, swinging, and other forms of ethical non-exclusivity. In these relationships, all partners agree that having multiple romantic or sexual connections is acceptable. Despite the consensual nature, individuals in CNM are not immune to feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. In fact, jealousy can still arise, accompanied by fears of not being “enough” for one’s partner. Research shows that negative emotions such as insecurity, inadequacy, envy, and jealousy do surface at times in open relationships​. The key difference is that, in CNM, partners openly negotiate these challenges rather than assuming monogamy as the default solution. This article examines how feelings of inadequacy manifest in open relationships and explores psychological theories and expert strategies for managing them.

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Manifestations of Inadequacy and Insecurity in Consensual Non-Monogamy

Psychological Perspective: Internal Experiences of Jealousy and Fear

From a psychological standpoint, feelings of inadequacy in an open relationship often manifest as jealousy and anxiety. An individual may experience a surge of anxious thoughts — “What if my partner’s new lover is better than me?” — and emotions like fear of loss, anger, or sadness. One qualitative study found that people in CNM described these negative feelings in familiar terms: “insecurity, inadequacy, envy, or jealousy,” sometimes even as a “fear of the unknown” regarding a partner’s new love interest​.

In essence, a partner’s other relationship can act as a mirror for one’s own self-doubts. An open relationship might trigger fear of being replaced or outcompeted, especially if one starts comparing oneself to a metamour (a partner’s partner). As one participant in a CNM study explained, “jealousy, for me, is the strong fear that you are fundamentally replaceable… it’s very scary to meet people who are better than you at other things, because it’s easy to compare yourself”​.

This illustrates how insecurity can stem from a belief that one is “not good enough” in some dimension – be it attractiveness, sexual skill, emotional support, or any trait one values in themselves as a partner.

Psychologically, these feelings often arise from perceived threats to one’s attachment or self-esteem. For example, if someone has underlying low self-esteem, they might interpret their partner’s interest in others as evidence of their own inadequacy (“They wouldn’t need anyone else if I were truly sufficient”). Even individuals with healthier self-esteem can feel pangs of insecurity if a partner’s new relationship highlights personal insecurities they didn’t know they had.

It’s common to experience “comparison anxiety” – obsessively measuring oneself against the other person. In open relationships, this social comparison can lead to intense self-doubt: Am I as exciting or attractive as the new partner?Such comparisons easily erode confidence and fuel a sense of not measuring up​. In sum, open relationship structures may amplify latent insecurities by putting individuals face-to-face with direct comparisons and uncertainties that monogamous arrangements might bypass.

Physiologically and emotionally, the experience of insecurity in CNM is similar to that in monogamous jealousy: one might feel nervous tension, stress, or even panic when imagining a partner with someone else. In therapy contexts, clients report symptoms like obsessive thoughts, difficulty sleeping, or a knot in the stomach when their partner is on a date.

These reactions underline that the emotional reality of jealousy in an open relationship can be just as intense as in a monogamous one. However, unlike in secret infidelity, in consensual non-monogamy the individuals are aware of the situation and have consented to it, which introduces a unique cognitive dissonance: they “know” intellectually that their partner’s other relationship isn’t a betrayal, yet their emotional brain might still respond with fear or pain.

This internal conflict – “I agreed to this, so why do I feel so insecure?” – can itself lead to feelings of guilt or confusion. It’s important to note that such feelings do not mean the relationship is failing; rather, they are seen as natural emotional responses that need acknowledgment and management.

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Sociological Perspective: Cultural Scripts and Stigma

The way insecurity manifests in open relationships is also influenced by sociological factors – cultural norms, social scripts, and community support. In many societies, monogamy is treated as the default and is underpinned by what scholars call “mononormative” assumptions (the belief that exclusive pairing is the only healthy way to love). Under monogamous social scripts, if your partner shows interest in someone else, the common interpretation is that something is wrong – perhaps you’re not satisfying them, or the relationship is unstable. People in open relationships do not subscribe to exclusive love, yet they have still grown up internalizing those cultural narratives.

This can lead to a clash of internalized norms: one part of the person embraces consensual non-monogamy, but another part (shaped by years of societal messaging) might whisper that “if I were truly great, I’d be enough on my own.” In other words, monogamous culture primes people to equate exclusivity with worthiness, so even in a consensual open arrangement, feelings of inadequacy can creep in when comparing oneself to a partner’s other lover​.

Stigma and lack of social support can exacerbate these insecurities. Unlike monogamous couples, polyamorous or open partners often cannot openly seek sympathy from friends or family without risking an “I told you so – what did you expect?” response​.

For instance, if a person in a polyamorous relationship confides in a monogamous friend about feeling jealous, that friend might (even with good intentions) respond by suggesting that non-monogamy caused the problem: “Well, of course you feel that way – humans aren’t meant to share partners.” Such reactions, grounded in societal stigma, can reinforce a CNM individual’s sense of shame or inadequacy (“Maybe I’m just not cut out for this, maybe I’m too needy”). Sociologically, this lack of widespread acceptance means individuals might not get the same validation for their insecurities that a monogamous person might receive (e.g., “Anyone would feel jealous in that situation”). Instead, they could feel isolated or abnormal for having these perfectly human emotions.

On the flip side, supportive CNM communities and subcultures provide alternative scripts that can mitigate insecurity. Within polyamory communities, concepts like “compersion” (feeling joy at your partner’s joy with someone else) are valued, and jealousy is reframed not as an all-consuming rage but as a manageable emotion. Sociologist Isaac Sheff describes that polyamorous circles have developed “alternative feeling rules” – essentially, new norms about how to interpret and deal with emotions like jealousy​.

In one study, polyamorous individuals emphasized that jealousy is neither unbearable nor inevitable, meaning it can be worked through and even reduced. For example, instead of viewing jealousy as a signal that the relationship is doomed, polyamorous norms treat jealousy as a signal to self-reflect or communicate. Likewise, there’s often a norm of not comparing oneself to metamours because love is viewed as abundant, not a zero-sum resource. These community values encourage an “abundance mindset” (there’s enough love to go around) in place of the scarcity mindset that breeds competition. Thus, sociologically, the context and support network matter: in affirming environments, individuals are taught that their feelings of insecurity are natural and can be overcome, rather than using those feelings as proof that the relationship model is flawed.

Furthermore, meeting metamours (one’s partner’s other partner) is a sociological strategy that affects insecurity. In monogamous culture, the idea of meeting “the other person” only occurs in infidelity scenarios and is charged with betrayal; in CNM, however, meeting metamours can be a normal, even comforting, practice. Often the “fear of the unknown” makes a new metamour seem intimidating. Sociologically, putting a friendly face to the name can transform that fear. Many polyamorous people report that once they meet and perhaps befriend a metamour, it humanizes them and reduces irrational comparison or mistrust. The metamour relationship itself can be a source of support – some metamours become friends who reassure each other rather than rivals​.

This dynamic – unique to CNM – can alleviate insecurity; instead of feeling outside a partner’s other life, one might feel included or at least respected by all involved. In summary, cultural factors can either intensify feelings of inadequacy (through stigma and monogamous conditioning) or help defuse them (through community norms of open communication, compersion, and cooperative metamour relations).

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Clinical Perspective: Therapeutic Insights and Patterns

Clinicians who work with consensually non-monogamous clients have observed that feelings of inadequacy and insecurity are common presenting issues – but they emphasize these are fundamentally human issues more than they are “poly issues.”

In therapy sessions, it often becomes clear that the jealousy or insecurity a client experiences in an open relationship is driven by the same core insecurities that can trouble people in monogamous relationships: fear of abandonment, fear of not being loved, or low self-worth. One marriage and family therapist notes that in the vast majority of polyamorous relationships, jealousy does come up at some point, dispelling the myth that consensual non-monogamists never feel jealous.

The difference is that, in CNM, partners cannot ignore or hide from jealousy easily – they must confront it head-on through communication and personal work, since the relationship structure knowingly includes the triggers. Therapists therefore see a lot of proactive coping in these clients. It’s been observed that people in open relationships tend to talk about their feelings and set clear boundaries more frequently, which can actually build emotional skills over time.

From a clinical standpoint, one important insight is that jealousy is not a single emotion but a composite of many feelings (such as anger, fear, sadness, insecurity). In fact, counselors often help CNM clients “unpack” jealousy into its parts: Are you feeling angry at a broken agreement? Are you sad and left out? Are you afraid you’ll be replaced?

This unpacking is crucial because it pinpoints the real issue. For example, a client might initially say “I’m just jealous, I hate that my partner has another lover,” but through guided exploration they might discover the real pang is coming from a specific worry – e.g., “I feel anxious that my partner might find their other partner smarter and thus respect me less”.

Clinicians report that identifying the underlying fear or narrative is half the battle in managing insecurity. One therapist describes that when a client examines what jealousy is telling them, it often boils down to core questions like “Am I lovable? Am I going to be abandoned?” . These are the same core self-beliefs therapists work on in individual therapy for self-esteem.

Therapists who are knowledgeable about polyamory (often called poly-affirmative therapists) stress that their role is not to pathologize the relationship structure but to help clients develop tools to navigate these emotions. For instance, a poly-affirmative counselor will not jump to “well, maybe you should close the relationship” at the first sign of jealousy (which would be a knee-jerk monogamous solution).

Instead, they guide individuals and partners to communicate more effectively and strengthen their sense of security. There is growing recognition in the mental health field that CNM clients have unique needs – indeed, the American Psychological Association’s Division 44 even launched a task force on CNM to educate clinicians and reduce stigma around these relationships. Modern clinical approaches therefore focus on validating the client’s choice of relationship style while applying proven therapeutic techniques to help with insecurity. For example, clinicians might use attachment-based interventions (common in Emotionally Focused Therapy) to help a polyamorous triad improve their emotional security with each other, or cognitive-behavioral techniques to challenge irrational thoughts of inadequacy in an individual.

One common clinical observation is that a partner’s response greatly influences insecurity. If one partner, upon seeing the other’s jealousy, reacts with defensiveness or dismissal, it often intensifies the insecurity. For example, if an individual says “I feel really insecure when you spend the night with X,” and their partner responds, “Ugh, you’re overreacting, this is what we agreed to, get over it,” the person’s distrust and anxiety are likely to worsen. In contrast, partners who respond with empathy and reassurance can significantly soothe those feelings. Therapists often coach polyamorous partners in communication skills for this reason. A defensive or denying response can increase suspicion and distrust, whereas a validating response (e.g., “I hear that you’re feeling left out; I want you to know how much I value you, let’s talk about it”) can help restore the insecure partner’s sense of safety. Clinically, then, it’s not just the insecure individual’s “job” to work on themselves – the dynamics between partners and how they handle emotional moments are a crucial part of the picture.

In summary, therapists see feelings of inadequacy in CNM as multi-determined: stemming from personal history (attachment style, past traumas), cultural conditioning, and current relationship dynamics. The clinical goal is typically to build secure attachment within the open relationship – helping individuals feel confident in their worth and in their partners’ care for them, even in the presence of others. This often involves all parties improving communication, establishing trust through transparency (e.g. sharing schedules or introducing partners as appropriate), and actively affirming each other. With the right support, many individuals in open relationships learn that insecurity is manageableand can even spur personal growth (for instance, confronting one’s jealousy can lead to greater self-awareness and resilience). As one sociological study noted, many CNM participants view jealousy not as an unbearable curse but as an emotion that can be understood and transformed, often aspiring to transform it into compersion – genuine happiness for their partner’s happiness. Clinicians aim to facilitate this transformation by drawing on psychological theories and targeted interventions, which we turn to next.

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Underlying Psychological Theories and Mechanisms

Understanding why feelings of insecurity and inadequacy occur (and persist) in open relationships can be aided by several psychological theories. Key frameworks include attachment theory, theories of self-esteem and self-concept, and social comparison processes. These mechanisms explain the roots of emotional responses like jealousy, fear, and low self-worth in the context of consensual non-monogamy.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory posits that early experiences with caregivers shape our style of connecting and trusting in adult relationships. The major attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful) influence how one might react to the complex dynamics of an open relationship.

Securely Attached

(low in anxiety and avoidance) generally have an easier time with trust and communication; not surprisingly, research finds that having a secure attachment style is associated with higher relationship satisfaction in both monogamous and CNM relationships. Insecure attachment, however, can color one’s emotional responses in CNM.

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

Style is characterized by fear of abandonment and constant seeking of reassurance. In a consensual non-monogamous setting, an anxiously attached person may be especially prone to feelings of inadequacy – for example, they might catastrophize that their partner going on dates means they will be abandoned. Studies have hypothesized (and found evidence) that people high in attachment anxiety often feel less drawn to CNM, precisely because they anticipate intense jealousy and worry about partner availability​ **. If they do engage in CNM, they may require more frequent reassurance.

Avoidant Attachment

(discomfort with dependence and intimacy) might initially seem conducive to multiple relationships – avoidant individuals might like the freedom that non-monogamy provides. Indeed, research suggests people higher in attachment avoidance tend to hold more positive attitudes towards consensual non-monogamy​ ***.

However, avoidant folks may struggle with expressing vulnerability; they might suppress jealousy or deny insecurity, which can make it hard to address those feelings when they do arise.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment

– high anxiety and avoidance – can be particularly challenging in any relationship structure, as it involves a mix of craving intimacy and fearing it. In an open relationship, someone fearful-avoidant might feel intensely jealous (attachment anxiety) but also ashamed or unable to seek comfort (attachment avoidance), which can reinforce feelings of inadequacy (“I’m upset, but I can’t even ask for what I need, so something must be wrong with me”).

Attachment theory also highlights how past experiences and traumas play out. According to attachment expert Jessica Fern, opening a relationship can “lay bare our childhood wounds and attachment issues” by removing the illusion of security that monogamy’s exclusivity provides. ****

In monogamous culture, one might rely on external structures (marriage, “rules” of fidelity) to feel secure, but in CNM those external guarantees are relaxed. This means the individual’s internal sense of security (or insecurity) comes to the forefront. For example, if someone has a deep-seated fear of abandonment from childhood, seeing their spouse go on dates with another can intensify that abandonment fear dramatically *****.

In this way, an open relationship can act as a “trigger” for unresolved attachment injuries – but, as Fern argues, it also presents an opportunity: by recognizing these attachment-driven feelings, partners can consciously work to heal them and build a more resilient form of secure attachment not based solely on exclusivity​ ******.

In short, attachment theory explains who might be more vulnerable to insecurity in CNM (e.g., anxious attachers) and why the structure can provoke strong reactions (it tests the quality of emotional security between partners).

Self-Esteem and Self-Concept

Another lens is the role of self-esteem in regulating jealousy and insecurity. Self-esteem is one’s overall sense of worthiness and competence. If an individual struggles with low self-esteem, an open relationship may amplify self-doubt: they might quickly assume “If my partner finds someone else interesting, it must be because I’m inadequate.”

In other words, a person with fragile self-esteem might use their partner’s other relationships as evidence to confirm their own negative beliefs about themselves. Therapists often encourage people dealing with jealousy to examine their “self-talk” – the internal narrative running through their mind when insecurity hits.

Frequently, those narratives sound like: “I’m not as attractive as the other person,” “I must be boring, that’s why they need someone else,” “I’ll be abandoned because I’m not good enough.” These thoughts reflect an internalized sense of inadequacy. Indeed, relationship experts note that it’s critical to ask “What story are you telling yourself?” in moments of jealousy – common stories include “I’m unlovable” or “I’m being replaced” *******. Such narratives are directly tied to one’s self-concept.

On the flip side, individuals with healthy self-esteem tend to weather the ups and downs of open relationships more easily. They are less likely to personalize their partner’s other interests as a referendum on their own worth. It’s not that they never feel jealous, but they might say to themselves, “My partner can enjoy someone else’s company and it doesn’t diminish my value or what we have.”

This kind of positive self-regard acts as a buffer against feeling inadequate. Some research in monogamous contexts has shown that low self-esteem can intensify jealousy, and this likely extends to CNM as well – with the added twist that in CNM the “provocation” (partner seeing others) is normalized, so one must rely even more on internal validation. There’s also a concept of self-efficacy in relationships: the belief that one can handle relationship challenges. Individuals who believe “I can handle difficult emotions like jealousy, I can communicate and grow” will approach insecurity with more resilience than those who feel helplessly at the mercy of their emotions.

Part of building this self-efficacy is reframing the meaning of a partner’s other relationship. Rather than seeing it as competition, a person might remind themselves of truths like “My partner can love them and still love me; we offer different things and that’s okay.” This cognitive reframe hinges on one’s self-concept being secure enough not to see every comparison as a verdict of inferiority.

It’s worth noting that self-esteem can fluctuate even for generally confident people. A normally self-assured individual might find a specific trigger that makes them feel inadequate (for instance, if their partner’s new partner excels in an area the individual is insecure about – say, a PhD scientist might not feel threatened until their partner dates another PhD scientist, suddenly sparking professional or intellectual self-doubt).

Thus, understanding insecurity in open relationships often comes down to pinpointing where a person’s identity feels vulnerable. The theory of contingent self-esteem is relevant: if someone’s self-esteem is highly contingent on being the best lover or most important person to their partner, then CNM will directly challenge that, because by definition the partner has others who also fulfill them.

In response, the individual might feel a deep sense of inadequacy unless they find a way to de-couple their self-worth from exclusive roles. Personal development and counseling often focus on helping individuals base self-worth on more stable foundations (“I am enough as I am, regardless of how many partners my significant other has”).

Social Comparison Theory

Social psychologist Leon Festinger’s social comparison theory states that we determine our own social and personal worth by comparing ourselves to others. In the context of open relationships, social comparison is almost inevitable – the “others” to compare with are one’s own partner’s other partners (metamours). A person may compare everything from physical appearance, sexual skills, personality traits, success, to the bond they share with the mutual partner. If these comparisons come out unfavorably, feelings of inferiority and jealousy surge.

For instance, if a woman in a polyamorous relationship sees that her partner’s new girlfriend is very outgoing and socially skilled, and if she herself is more introverted, she might start feeling less interesting or worry that her partner will prefer the other’s company at parties.

Upward comparisons

(where one perceives the other person as superior on some trait) tend to diminish one’s self-evaluation, which directly feeds feelings of inadequacy. One blog on polyamory aptly notes that “the comparison to other partners can often lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.” ********

This is essentially social comparison theory playing out in real time in relationships.

Moreover, comparison isn’t only individual; partners sometimes worry about being compared by their loved one. The thought “Is my partner comparing my body to so-and-so’s body?” can be tormenting. This perceivedcomparison can be just as powerful as actual comparison.

The fear that one’s partner is internally rating or ranking partners can trigger anxiety and competitive feelings. In some cases, people respond by trying to “outdo” the metamour (e.g., attempting to be extra sexy or plan more exciting dates to win back a sense of being the favorite), but if those attempts fail or the partner’s NRE (new relationship energy) is still strong, it can double down on inadequacy feelings. Social comparison processes are hard-wired in humans to some extent, but awareness of them can help.

Many polyamorous guides advise actively avoiding unhealthy comparisons, reminding individuals that each relationship is unique and that partners choose them for who they are, not because one is a carbon copy of the other. In psychological terms, this means moving from a competitive mindset to a differentiation mindset – recognizing that it’s not a direct contest. The presence of social comparison, however, is a key psychological mechanism explaining why insecurity can be intense: it’s not just “my partner has someone else” abstractly; it’s often “my partner has that specific person and that makes me realize where I feel lacking.”

Cognitive Appraisal and Attribution

Insecurity and jealousy also depend on how one appraises a situation. Cognitive theories of emotion suggest that it’s our interpretation of events, more than the events themselves, that generate feelings. If a person interprets their partner’s other relationship as a threat (“this will take something away from me”), they will feel more insecure than if they interpret it as a neutral or even positive addition (“this gives my partner something I can’t, but that’s okay, our relationship is still special in its own way”).

People in open relationships often have to retrain their appraisals. Initially, one might have a knee-jerk appraisal that “my partner having sex with someone else means I’m sexually inadequate.” This is an example of a possibly distorted attribution – linking the partner’s actions directly to self-worth. Therapy (especially cognitive-behavioral therapy) works on these appraisals, helping individuals develop more balanced thoughts: e.g., “My partner enjoys variety; it’s not because I’m inadequate, it’s because different people bring out different experiences.” When individuals successfully shift their appraisals to be less self-critical, their emotional response to open relationship dynamics can shift from panic to composure.

Another relevant concept is the idea of scarcity mindset vs. abundance mindset. A scarcity mindset in love treats love/attention as finite (if my partner gives to others, there’s less for me), whereas an abundance mindset believes love is not strictly limited (my partner can love others and still love me fully).

These mindsets are essentially cognitive frameworks that dramatically alter emotional outcomes. Many feelings of inadequacy trace back to a scarcity viewpoint – “I’m losing out, I’m not enough to hold their full attention.” By adopting an abundance outlook, some individuals find insecurities easing: they start to trust that multiple relationships can coexist without one obliterating the other. This cognitive shift is supported by some theoretical work in CNM communities that emphasizes compersion and compassion over competition.

Evolutionary and Comparative Perspectives

 While not always highlighted by those in CNM (because it can feel deterministic or discouraging), evolutionary psychology offers a perspective on why jealousy is such a potent emotion. Evolutionary theorists argue that jealousy evolved as a mechanism to guard against threats to reproductive or relational success (for instance, guarding a mate to ensure paternity, or securing resources and support). From this view, feelings of insecurity could be seen as an innate response when a valued relationship is not exclusive – a kind of biological alarm bell that something might jeopardize one’s genetic or emotional investment.

In consensual non-monogamy, of course, all partners agree to have multiple connections, which is a very different scenario from ancestral environments assumed in evolutionary models. However, knowing that jealousy has deep roots can normalize the experience (“this is a very human feeling”). It also suggests why these emotions can feel so visceral or overpowering at times – they may tap into survival-level fears (fear of losing a bond can feel like fear of death to the subconscious mind).

The key is that our evolved emotions can be managed by our higher reasoning and communication skills. People often navigate these primal feelings by establishing agreements and boundaries that provide a sense of safety (for example, rules about using protection, or about not starting a new relationship without informing the current partner). Such agreements act as a modern adaptation to soothe the ancient parts of the brain that fear loss and betrayal.

In summary, multiple psychological mechanisms converge to explain insecurity in open relationships. Attachment theory highlights personal predispositions and the importance of felt security; self-esteem theory focuses on internal narratives of worth; social comparison explains the role of evaluations against others; and cognitive appraisals shape whether one sees a partner’s other relationship as a threat or a manageable aspect of life. By understanding these underlying factors, individuals and therapists can better target the root causes of feelings like inadequacy, rather than just treating the surface symptom of “jealousy.” Next, we will explore expert advice and frameworks that draw on these theories to help individuals and their partners manage and overcome insecurities in consensual non-monogamy.

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Expert Advice and Frameworks for Managing Insecurities

Overcoming feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in open relationships is a two-sided effort: it involves work by the individual experiencing the emotions, and supportive actions by their partner(s). Experts – including psychologists, relationship coaches, and seasoned members of the polyamory community – emphasize strategies for both sides. Below, we outline advice and frameworks tailored to (a) individuals who are feeling insecure and (b) their partners who want to help in constructive ways.

A. For Individuals Experiencing Insecurity and Inadequacy

If you find yourself struggling with jealousy, self-doubt, or fears of not being “enough” in a consensually open relationship, there are several evidence-based strategies and tools that can help:

Acknowledge and Name Your Emotions:

The first step is to admit to yourself what you are feeling without judgment. It’s okay to say “I am feeling jealous” or “I feel insecure right now.” As one therapist notes, confronting the jealous feelings in yourself is important – you can’t address feelings you refuse to face. * Remind yourself that your emotions are valid; having them doesn’t make you a “bad” polyamorous person or mean you aren’t cut out for CNM. It simply makes you human. By naming the feeling (“I’m feeling left out,” “I’m afraid,” “I’m comparing myself”), you gain a bit of power over it – it’s no longer a vague cloud but something identifiable.

Identify the Underlying Fear or Narrative:

Try to dig into what, specifically, is driving your insecurity. Ask yourself reflective questions (some experts even provide worksheets or journaling prompts for this). For example, relationship coach Susan Wenzel suggests asking: “What exactly am I afraid of? What do I believe this situation means about me or my relationship?” **.

Are you worried your partner will leave you for the other person (fear of abandonment)? Do you feel unattractive or inadequate (self-esteem issue)? Are you upset about missing out on certain activities (fear of exclusion)? By pinpointing the core worry, you can address the right problem.

Sometimes you might discover it’s not what you first thought – e.g., the jealousy might not be about sex at all but about not getting enough quality time. If that’s the case, the solution might lie in scheduling more one-on-one time, rather than in sexual jealousy per se. One useful exercise recommended by counselors is to complete the sentence:

“When my partner does ____, it makes me feel ____ because ____.” This helps connect the external trigger to the internal meaning. For instance: “When my partner stays out late with someone else, it makes me feel insecure because I worry I’m not exciting enough to keep their interest.” Now you have a concrete belief (“I’m not exciting enough”) that you can work on disconfirming.

Challenge Negative Self-Talk and Stories:

Feelings of inadequacy thrive on negative self-talk – the harsh, critical inner voice that says you’re inferior or unlovable. A powerful technique (drawn from Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) is to externalize and rebut these thoughts. Psychologist Elisabeth Sheff suggests a creative approach: write down each painful thought on an index card – e.g., “I’m bad in bed compared to X,” “My partner will find someone better” – essentially getting those ruminating thoughts out of your head and onto paper ***.

Seeing them written down can help you recognize distortions or extreme thinking. Then, on the back of each card, write a counter-argument or a more compassionate perspective. For example, if the front says “I’m not as interesting as the new partner,” the back might say “I have my own unique qualities that my partner loves about me – we’ve built years of memories and that doesn’t disappear.”

You can also ask your partner to contribute to the counterarguments on your cards​ ****– they might write affirmations like “I love your sense of humor” or “I cherish our time together,” which you can refer to whenever those insecure thoughts flare up. This technique arms you with evidence against the inner critic.

Over time, practicing this kind of cognitive restructuring trains your mind to automatically counter the negative narratives. Instead of passively accepting the thought “I’m being replaced,” you learn to respond internally with “This is just a fear – in reality, my partner’s affection for someone else doesn’t erase their love for me.” By consistently challenging the false story that you’re inadequate, you weaken its hold on you.​ *****

Practice Open Communication with Your Partner

Keeping insecurities bottled up tends to worsen them. A core principle in managing CNM jealousy is talk it out – but do so productively. Let your partner know what you’re feeling and what you need, in a non-accusatory way.

Using “I” statements can be very effective: for example, “I have been feeling a bit insecure lately about us, and I realize I might need some extra reassurance from you” or “When you go on an overnight date, I find myself feeling left out and I think it’s because I miss you; maybe we can plan something special soon, just us?”.

Communicating this way focuses on your feelings and needs rather than blaming your partner for causing them. It also gives your partner a chance to understand and support you rather than leaving them guessing. In fact, simply expressing your worries out loud can diminish their intensity – what feels huge and shameful in your head often feels more manageable once said.

One study noted that couples in open relationships who engage in constructive communication about jealousy tend to have higher relationship satisfaction than those who avoid the topic or communicate in destructive ways.​ ******

So, view communication as a tool to strengthen your bond. It may feel vulnerable to admit insecurity (especially if you worry it will disappoint your partner), but in healthy CNM relationships, such honesty is usually met with appreciation and relief that it’s in the open.

Agree on a calm time to talk, and remember the goal is mutual understanding – not to make demands or ultimatums, but to let your partner into your inner world so they can help.

If you aren’t sure how to articulate your feelings, you might even share a journal entry or letter with your partner, or use a script like the one recommended by therapist Tammy Nelson: “I am feeling ____ when ____, and I could use ____ from you.”​ *******– for example, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you during your date; I could use a goodnight text just for reassurance.”

Invest in Yourself (Self-Care and Personal Growth):

Insecurity often causes one’s focus to narrow obsessively onto the partner’s other relationship. A useful countermeasure is to redirect energy back into your own life and self-care.

What this means is actively engage in activities that bolster your mood, confidence, and sense of identity outside the relationship. For example, when jealousy or envy strikes, instead of sitting home ruminating about what your partner is doing, do something for you: go out with a close friend, indulge in a hobby you love, hit the gym, work on a personal goal, or even go on a date of your own if you have other partners or the opportunity. This is akin to the “Distract and Do” part of Dr. Sheff’s recommended “Three D’s” strategy: Discuss, Distract, Do​. ********

After you’ve discussed your feelings, distracting in a healthy way and doing enjoyable things can prevent stewing in negative thoughts. It’s not about avoidance; it’s about maintaining a fulfilling life so that your sense of self isn’t completely wrapped up in your partner’s activities. By nurturing your own happiness and confidence, you naturally start to feel more secure.

For instance, picking up a new class or skill can remind you of your competence, spending time with supportive friends can reinforce that you are loved and valued, independent of your romantic partner. This also builds a sense of autonomy – recognizing that while you love your partner, your well-being is not entirely dependent on them, which paradoxically can make the relationship feel safer (because it reduces the fear of losing oneself). In short, don’t neglect self-love: exercise, adequate rest, mindfulness or meditation, journaling, creative pursuits – all these can reduce anxiety and improve emotional balance. A person who is actively growing and taking care of themselves will be more resilient when insecurity hits.

Reframe Jealousy and Cultivate Compersion (or Neutrality):

A more advanced but rewarding strategy is to work on changing how you interpret your partner’s other relationship – to see it not as a threat, but potentially as a positive or at least neutral element.

Compersion is often described as the opposite of jealousy: feeling happy that your partner is happy, even when the source of their joy is someone else. Not everyone can leap straight to compersion, and that’s okay. An intermediate goal could be emotional neutrality – feeling calm or “okay” about your partner’s other connections, rather than anxious.

One tip is to remind yourself of your partner’s intentions: in most consensual non-monogamous setups, your partner isn’t dating others to replace you or harm you. Often, as relationship therapist Tammy Nelson notes, “most people in open relationships aren’t interested in leaving their primary partner” – they want to share their lives, not subtract from the existing bond *********.

Keeping this perspective can help reduce the personal threat you perceive. You might also try positive reappraisal: intentionally thinking about how your partner’s other relationship could indirectly benefit you or your relationship.

For example, if your partner comes home from a date in great spirits, maybe that energy spills into your connection as well (they’re happier overall). Or perhaps the other partner fulfills some interest that you don’t share, which frees you from pressure to be everything to your partner.

Some individuals even find that seeing their partner through another’s eyes renews their own appreciation – “She chose me and this amazing other person; wow, I’m in good company, I must be pretty amazing too!”. While compersion isn’t mandatory, being open to mixed feelings is useful. You might notice moments of genuine compersion (perhaps you feel happy that your partner had a good night), even if other moments you feel jealous. Recognize those positive glimmers; it proves jealousy doesn’t own the whole narrative. If you do yearn to feel more compersion, you can practice empathizing with your partner: focus on their smile when they talk about the other person, and realize that their joy adds to their life without subtracting yours.

Over time, this practice can gradually replace knee-jerk envy with a warmer, more secure feeling that your partner’s joy is your joy too. At the very least, aiming for a mindset of “They’re having an experience – and I’m safe, we’re okay” can greatly reduce the stress response.

Use Grounding and Emotional Regulation Techniques:

In moments when insecurity or jealousy is acute (say, your partner is on a date and you’re spiraling in anxious thoughts), having go-to coping mechanisms is crucial.

Grounding techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation, or physical relaxation methods, can help calm the fight-or-flight response. For example, if you start imagining worst-case scenarios, pause and take a series of slow, deep breaths, focusing on the air entering and leaving your lungs.

This can slow your heart rate and break the loop of panic. You might also practice mindfulness, observing your feelings without judgment – “I notice I’m feeling anxious and my chest is tight” – and gently remind yourself that feelings are transient. Some people find it helpful to have a mantra, like “I am enough” or “I am loved”, repeating it to counter anxious energy. Another tactic is to schedule a “self check-in” when you know a potentially triggering event is coming.

For instance, you plan that at 8 PM while your partner is out, you will journal for 15 minutes to vent any feelings, then do a guided meditation or take a relaxing bath. By scheduling support for yourself, you feel less at the mercy of sudden emotion.

If panic spikes, one grounding exercise is the 5-4-3-2-1 method: name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel (tactilely), 3 sounds you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste – this shifts focus to the present and away from racing thoughts. These techniques help manage the symptoms of insecurity in the moment so that you can later address the causes with a clearer head.

Seek Knowledge and Support:

Knowledge is empowering. Reading books or articles by experts on consensual non-monogamy can provide both practical tips and the comfort of knowing you’re not alone. Many have found solace in resources like “The Jealousy Workbook” by Kathy Labriola, which offers exercises specifically for people in open relationships dealing with jealousy. Labriola, a counselor experienced with polyamorous clients, guides readers to dissect their jealousy into components (fear, anger, sadness) and create a “jealousy pie chart” to see which feelings are most prominent **********.

This kind of structured approach can demystify your emotions and point to solutions for each slice of the pie. Additionally, consider support groups or communities. Whether it’s an online forum, a local polyamory meetup, or a trusted friend who is poly-friendly, sharing experiences and coping strategies can be immensely helpful. Sometimes just hearing “I went through something similar, and here’s how I handled it” can light the way.

Be cautious to seek support from those who respect your relationship choice – as mentioned, a friend who disapproves of CNM might unintentionally make you feel worse. If needed, there are also coaches and therapists who specialize in non-monogamy issues. A polyamory-affirmative therapist can work with you one-on-one to build self-esteem and coping mechanisms, providing a safe space to unpack feelings without fear of judgment​ **12. Reaching out for help is not a sign of failure; it’s a sign you’re proactively caring for your mental health.

Implementing these strategies can gradually diminish feelings of inadequacy. It’s important to have patience with yourself – deeply rooted insecurities don’t vanish overnight, but each step (each honest talk, each reframed thought, each self-care act) is progress. Over time, you may find that episodes of jealousy become less frequent and less intense, and that your confidence – both in yourself and in your relationship – grows even stronger for having weathered the challenges.

B. For Their Partners: Supporting a Loved One Through Insecurity

If your partner is the one struggling with feelings of insecurity or inadequacy in your open relationship, there are proactive steps you can take to support them. Your reactions and behaviors can significantly influence whether their insecurity is soothed or exacerbated. Here’s what experts recommend for partners on the supportive side of the equation:

Listen with Empathy and Validate Their Feelings:

When your partner shares that they are feeling insecure, jealous, or scared, resist any urge to dismiss or defensively downplay those feelings. It can be uncomfortable to hear that something you’re doing (even if permitted) is causing your loved one pain, but the worst thing you can do is respond with anger or indifference. Research and clinical experience show that if you get defensive or deny your partner’s feelings, it tends to increase their suspicion and distress​ .

Instead, practice active, compassionate listening. Let them finish explaining their emotions and the reasons as they see it. Use validating language like, “I understand this is hard for you,” “Thank you for telling me – I know it’s not easy to talk about,” or “It makes sense that you’d feel that way; I might feel that way too in your position.” Validation doesn’t mean you are taking blame; it means you acknowledge their reality and that their feelings are real and important. Sometimes just having you hear them out without judgment can greatly reduce their anxiety.

Avoid interrupting or immediately jumping to solutions – first make sure they feel heard. Show empathy by imagining how it might feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Even if you experience jealousy differently, recognize that your partner’s feelings are genuine. Phrases like “I’m sorry you’ve been feeling anxious” or “I didn’t realize it was affecting you this much; I’m here with you” can be very reassuring.

Offer Reassurance and Affirmation:

One of the most direct antidotes to feelings of inadequacy is reassurance from the loved one. If your partner is doubting their worth or fearing you’ll replace them, they need to hear and see that you value and love them.

Don’t assume “they should know” – when insecurity kicks in, people often become temporarily blinded to positive realities, so you need to spell it out. This can be verbal – “I love you deeply and you’re irreplaceable to me,” “You have qualities that no one else has, and I treasure our relationship,” – or written, or demonstrated through affectionate gestures. In the earlier mentioned index-card exercise, one suggestion was for the supportive partner to write their loving thoughts on the back of the cards​.

This is a concrete example: contribute actively to countering your partner’s negative self-talk. If they worry they’re not attractive enough, tell them sincerely what you find attractive about them. If they feel second best, remind them of all the ways they’re primary in your life (if hierarchical) or the unique role they play.

Also, reassure your commitment: many folks in CNM fear being left for a new partner. Make it clear that you have no intention of ending your relationship, and that opening up was never about finding someone “better” – it was about something different. Be careful, however, not to only use reassurance in a rote way (“Of course I love you, okay?” said in irritation can backfire). It should be heartfelt and, ideally, specific. For instance, “I love you” is necessary, but adding details (“I love you – your sense of humor always lights up my day, and no one else gets me like you do”) can really imprint on an anxious mind.

Physical affection can reinforce verbal reassurance too: holding them, making eye contact, even a loving kiss at a moment of doubt can sometimes cut through the panic and ground them in the reality of your bond.

Maintain Trust through Transparency and Honoring Agreements:

Trust is the foundation that keeps insecurity at bay. To support your partner, it’s vital to keep any relationship agreements you’ve made. If you’ve agreed on certain check-ins, safer sex practices, spending a particular night together, or not springing surprises, stick to those rules diligently.

Each time you honor an agreement, you deposit into the “trust bank,” showing your partner that their feelings and boundaries matter to you. Conversely, if you break an agreement (even a minor one), it can significantly set back their sense of security – consistency is key. Transparency is another ally. While everyone has different comfort levels about sharing details, many insecure feelings thrive in an information vacuum.

If your partner prefers to know basics about your other dates (like when, where, if it went well), keeping them informed can prevent their imagination from conjuring worst-case scenarios. One person described the fear of not meeting metamours as making “these people essentially strangers” which “creates a lot of fear of the stranger”​ **********

To counter that, you might gently facilitate introductions or at least share information that humanizes the other person if your partner is open to that. For example, “I’d like you to meet Alex sometime – I think you two would get along over your shared love of hiking” or “My other partner asked about you the other day, they hope you’re doing well”. Knowing that the metamour acknowledges and respects the existing relationship can greatly reduce the sense of threat. Honesty – even about tough stuff – is critical. If something unexpected happens (say a date runs later than planned), let your partner know promptly rather than trying to hide it. When partners feel “kept in the loop,” they tend to feel more secure and respected.

Show Equilibrium and Fairness:

Insecurity often flares when someone feels a drastic imbalance – for example, if one partner suddenly seems to be spending far more time or energy on a new relationship than on the established one.

To support an insecure partner, be mindful of balancing your attention and time. Ensure that your partner still feels like a priority. This might involve scheduling dedicated quality time with them (date nights or check-in nights) that are not interrupted by your other partners. Follow through on plans you make together and avoid frequently canceling or rescheduling them for other partners – that can quickly feed feelings of inadequacy (“I guess I’m less important”).

It’s also helpful to give them something to look forward to. For instance, if you’re going away for a weekend with another partner, maybe plan a special outing with your concerned partner for the following weekend, so they know they have your focused time coming.

If sexual jealousy is an issue, some couples find it helpful to establish rituals – for instance, always reconnect physically after one has been with another partner, to reaffirm your bond. The specifics will vary, but the principle is to make sure your long-term partner never feels like they are “getting the leftovers.” They should feel just as cherished and tended to as before (if not more, given extra effort to reassure). Sometimes a simple act of thoughtfulness can go a long way: if you’re out with someone else, maybe send a loving text to your partner during the evening (if that’s within your agreements) like “Thinking of you <3 Hope you’re having a nice night.”Little signals  of remembrance can prevent an insecure partner from feeling forgotten when you’re with others.

Encourage Metamour Communication (if comfortable):

Depending on everyone’s comfort level, facilitating a meeting or communication between your partner and their metamour can demystify the situation. We touched on how fear of the unknown is powerful – your partner might be envisioning their “rival” as some superhuman that they can’t compete with. Actually meeting or at least hearing about the metamour as a real person often reduces exaggerated fears. As one CNM individual observed, not meeting metamours can make them scarier, whereas meeting them can build “trust and goodwill” that smooths tensions​ **13.

If your partner is open to it, you could arrange a casual, low-pressure introduction (maybe all grab coffee together). However, do not force this if either party isn’t ready; it can backfire if done without consent. If a meeting isn’t desired, even sharing benign information can help (e.g., “X plays guitar and loves sci-fi – actually reminds me a bit of you in that way”).

The goal is to replace an imaginary threat with a known, relatable human. In the best cases, metamours might even become friendly and offer each other reassurance (some metamours communicate directly to coordinate schedules or swap notes if one person is upset). As a hinge partner (the one in the middle), you can foster an environment of respect and no competition. Speak positively (or at least respectfully) about each partner to the other – knowing that you hold them in unique high esteem builds confidence. If your insecure partner hears that the metamour speaks kindly of them or is sensitive to not overstep, that too can alleviate insecurity. Essentially, promote a team mindset: it’s not you and one partner versus the other; all of you are working toward fulfilling relationships.

Avoid Comparisons or Insensitive Remarks:

It should go without saying, but never compare your partners to each other in a way that puts one down. Even seemingly innocent comments like “So-and-so is really good at X” can be misinterpreted by an insecure partner as an implicit critique (“…unlike you”). Be mindful not to talk endlessly about your other partner or your dates in front of the insecure partner unless they explicitly ask and are comfortable hearing details.

Transparency is good, but over-sharing braggy details can hurt. Follow your partner’s lead on how much they want to know. Some may say, “I actually would like to know if you had fun,” while others may prefer just the basics. Respect their coping style. Additionally, don’t flaunt new relationships on social media in a way that blindsides or humiliates your partner.

Keeping a sense of discretion and care for their feelings shows that you’re putting their emotional well-being first. If your partner has specific sensitivities (for example, they’re insecure about their singing voice and you gush about how your other partner is a singer), try to be aware of those hot buttons. You don’t have to walk on eggshells constantly, but a bit of tact and kindness in how you speak can prevent unnecessary hurt.

Practice Reassuring Physical Affection and Connection Rituals:

Emotional security is built not just through words but also through physical and emotional closeness. Ensure that you are still engaging in the affectionate gestures that make your partner feel loved – be it hugs, kisses, cuddling at night, saying “I love you” daily, etc. In times when insecurity is heightened, initiate affection a bit more often if they’re receptive.

Sometimes a partner might withdraw when insecure (fearful of being needy); by you reaching out, you signal that you’re still very much attached to them. Some couples create a “reconnection ritual” – after a date with someone else, they might spend a quiet hour together talking or embracing, to reaffirm their bond.

This can help the insecure partner feel that home base is still secure. Sexual reassurance can play a role too: continue to be attentive in your sexual relationship (assuming you have one) and make sure they know they’re desired. If your partner has expressed particular areas of insecurity, you might tailor your reassurance.

For example, if they feel insecure about sexual performance, compliment and cherish your sexual experiences with them explicitly (“Last night with you was incredible; I adore being with you”). If they’re insecure about intellectual matters, acknowledge their intellect and the ways they stimulate you. Authenticity is key – don’t just flatter; remind yourself of what you truly love about this person and then communicate that frequently.

Encourage Professional Help or Additional Support if Needed:

If your partner’s insecurity is overwhelming despite both of your best efforts, it might be helpful to suggest (gently) additional support. This could mean seeing a polyamory-friendly therapist together or individually.

Frame it as “We’re a team and we might benefit from more tools; a counselor could help us strengthen things further.” You can even offer to go with them if they want (for couple sessions) or give them time to attend individual therapy. Sometimes an outside perspective can uncover patterns or solutions you both didn’t see. Also, encourage them to connect with others who have navigated this. Maybe there’s a local poly support group or an online forum (like the Non-Monogamy Helppodcast/website, etc.) where hearing others’ stories might reduce their sense of isolation. Show solidarity: make it clear it’s our issue to handle together, not their personal flaw.

If the insecurity partially stems from personal past trauma or very low self-esteem, a therapist can work with them on that root cause in a way you as a partner can’t directly. Supporting them in getting that help (while continuing to be loving and patient) is one of the most caring things you can do.

In all these suggestions, the overarching theme is being attentive and compassionate. You can’t “fix” your partner’s self-esteem for them, but you can create an environment where they feel safe to work on it – where positive reinforcement is plentiful and fear is minimized. Remember that seeing your partner struggle with insecurity doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong; it means they trust you enough to reveal their vulnerable side.

By responding with love rather than frustration, you reinforce that trust. Over time, this process can actually bring you closer. Many couples report that working through jealousy and insecurity in an open relationship strengthened their communication and bond beyond what it was before. You, as the partner, play a crucial role in that journey by being a steady source of love, respect, and reassurance.

* psychotherapynetworker.org **psychotherapynetworker.org ***psychologytoday.com ****psychologytoday.com  *****psychologytoday.com ******affirmativecouch.com *******psychotherapynetworker.org ********psychologytoday.com *********psychotherapynetworker.org **********psychologytoday.com ***********pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov **12: affirmativecouch.com **13: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov 

Therapeutic and Practical Strategies for Insecurity in CNM

In addition to personal and partner-driven strategies, there are formal therapeutic approaches and frameworks that professionals recommend for addressing feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in consensual non-monogamous relationships. Many of these approaches adapt general psychotherapy modalities to the specific context of CNM, ensuring that guidance is polyamory-informed. Below, we discuss several key approaches:

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Techniques

CBT is a well-established therapy modality focused on identifying and changing unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors. In the context of open relationships, CBT techniques can be extremely useful for individuals dealing with negative beliefs about themselves or catastrophic thinking about their relationship.

A CBT-informed therapist would help the client notice automatic thoughts like “If my partner loves someone else, I must be inadequate” or “They will leave me; this always ends badly”. Together, they would challenge the evidence for these thoughts and come up with alternative interpretations (for example, “My partner having another partner does not imply a deficiency in me; it could simply mean they enjoy diversity. They still spend time with me and show love to me, which is evidence I’m valued”). One specific CBT method that has been applied is the use of thought records or jealousy journals, where the person writes down triggering situations, their thoughts, their emotional intensity, and then later reevaluates those thoughts for distortions. We already described a creative variant – the index card exercise – which in essence externalizes thoughts and disputes them​1.

That’s pure CBT in action: catch the thought, question it, and replace it. Behavioral techniques are also part of CBT: for instance, if someone tends to engage in unproductive behaviors (like repeatedly checking their partner’s messages or sulking in silence), a CBT approach would encourage behavioral experiments to try different responses (perhaps doing a fun activity when anxiety hits, and seeing if the outcome is better).

Over time, CBT helps rewire the link between triggers and emotional responses, making them less knee-jerk and more based on the current reality rather than past fears. Psychoeducation is another CBT element – learning about how jealousy works can itself be therapeutic. Understanding that jealousy is often a conglomerate of fear, anger, and sadness (as Labriola notes​ **psychologytoday.com) can help a person say, “Alright, I’m actually mostly feeling fear right now, not pure rage, so let’s address the fear.” CBT might also incorporate relaxation techniques to manage the physiological side of anxiety. Many people in open relationships have found CBT-based self-help books or worksheets beneficial, because they provide a structured way to tackle what can feel like overwhelming emotions.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Attachment-Based Counseling

EFT is a therapeutic approach originally developed for couples, which focuses on creating secure attachment bonds between partners by identifying and transforming emotional responses.

In EFT, jealousy and insecurity are often seen as “secondary emotions” – that is, surface reactions that stem from deeper primary emotions such as fear (of losing the loved one) or shame (not feeling good enough). An EFT therapist working with a polyamorous relationship will encourage the individuals to voice those underlying feelings to each other in a vulnerable but guided manner.

For instance, rather than expressing jealousy as anger or passive-aggressiveness, the insecure partner might learn to say “When I know you’re with someone else, I feel a fear inside that I’ll be abandoned, and it makes me feel very small and sad”. Exposing these softer emotions can invite the other partner to respond with reassurance and comfort, thus strengthening their attachment. One journal article on applying EFT to polyamory suggests therapists should view jealousy like any other secondary emotion – as a signal pointing to deeper needs – and help clients “transform the emotional dynamics” by addressing core feelings​2.

In practice, an EFT approach in a CNM scenario might involve sessions with the primary dyad (or multiple sessions rotating through each dyad in a triad) where the therapist facilitates dialogues aimed at rebuilding security: the insecure partner might express their needs (for comfort, for importance) and the other partner learns to respond in emotionally present ways (perhaps saying, “I am here, I’m not leaving; you matter so much to me”while holding them). Over time, this can greatly reduce panic responses because the insecure individual internalizes a sense of “I am valued and responded to”.

Attachment-based counseling also often explores a person’s early attachment history or past relationship wounds that could be contributing to current insecurity. For example, if someone was cheated on in a prior monogamous relationship, even though CNM is different (because it’s consensual), that trauma may be retriggered. An attachment-focused therapist will help the client differentiate the past from the present, and help the couple (or triad, etc.) craft new, positive emotional experiences that contradict the old narrative of abandonment.

The recent work of Jessica Fern (Polysecure) is an example of attachment theory applied to CNM: it provides strategies (the acronym “HEARTS” – which stands for Humility, Emotionally, Autonomy, etc. – outlining how to build secure attachments in poly contexts)​ **blog.hashtagopen.com. Partners can learn to be what EFT calls “safe havens” for each other – a place they can turn to for reassurance – even as they explore other relationships. This therapeutic approach recognizes that emotional security is the foundation; once that is strengthened, inadequacy feelings naturally diminish.

Polyamory-Informed Counseling and Psychoeducation

Given the unique landscape of consensual non-monogamy, seeing a counselor or therapist who is knowledgeable about CNM can be extremely helpful.

Polyamory-informed counseling means the professional understands that adding partners doesn’t equate to a deficiency in the current relationship, and they won’t pathologize consensual multipartner dynamics. Instead, they focus on helping clients develop skills specific to CNM challenges: negotiating agreements, managing time, handling jealousy openly, and dealing with societal stigma.

A poly-aware therapist might introduce frameworks from polyamorous literature – for instance, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert’s book “More Than Two” offers ethical guidelines; Kathy Labriola’s work provides worksheets; the concept of “Radical Honesty with Compassion” is often encouraged. Therapists can guide partners in creating a custom “relationship agreement”or explicit check-in routines, which preempt a lot of insecurity by setting expectations.

Psychoeducation might involve normalizing compersion and explaining that it often coexists with jealousy – many people feel a mix, and learning that doesn’t make you a bad partner can alleviate self-judgment. Therapists might also discuss common cognitive distortions (like zero-sum thinking about love) and provide a more adaptive conceptual model (like “love is not a pie with finite slices” or the “lighthouse model” where one partner’s love can shine on multiple people without dimming).

An important component is also helping clients build a support network – counselors might direct individuals to resources like local poly groups, online forums, or literature to reinforce that what they’re experiencing has been navigated by others successfully. The presence of an unbiased, understanding third party in counseling can help mediate tough conversations that couples find hard to manage alone.

For instance, if an insecure partner has trouble articulating needs, the therapist can help draw that out and ensure the other partner truly hears it, and then facilitate brainstorming solutions (like, “what if you text before bed when you’re apart? Would that ease some anxiety?”). Poly-informed therapy often borrows techniques from various modalities (CBT for thought patterns, EFT for emotions, Gottman method for communication, etc.) but tailors them to fit a multi-partner context.

The critical element is that the therapy room is a judgment-free zone about the relationship structure itself, focusing instead on the health of emotional bonds and individual well-being.

Emotion Regulation and Mindfulness (Third-Wave Therapies)

Approaches such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), often called “third-wave” cognitive therapies, introduce skills for dealing with intense emotions and building resilience.

These can be very applicable to managing jealousy and insecurity. For example, DBT teaches distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills: a person can use techniques like distraction, self-soothing (with senses, like wrapping in a cozy blanket or listening to calming music), or “IMPROVE the moment” visualization when in acute distress.

It also encourages opposite action – doing something kind or affectionate when you feel like withdrawing in jealousy, which can break the emotional spiral. Mindfulness practices from these therapies encourage individuals to observe their feelings without immediately reacting or judging themselves. This might look like: when jealousy hits, instead of getting swept up, one pauses, breathes, and notes “Ah, jealousy is here; it’s a wave that will pass” – maybe even noticing where it sits in the body (e.g., “my chest is tight, my face is hot”). By viewing it as an observer, the individual may feel a bit more control, or at least not add secondary emotions like shame (“I shouldn’t be feeling this”) on top of everything. ACT specifically might guide someone to accept that some level of insecurity might show up and that’s okay – it doesn’t have to dictate their actions or self-image.

They can commit to acting in line with their values (e.g., being loving and trusting) even when that pesky insecurity voice chatters in the background. Over time, responding to jealousy mindfully (acknowledging it, but not feeding it with catastrophic thoughts or reactive outbursts) often reduces its intensity and frequency.

Structured Communication Frameworks:

Some therapists and coaches use communication training tools to help partners navigate emotionally charged discussions.

This can include practices like Nonviolent Communication (NVC), where one learns to express feelings and needs without blame, and to make specific requests. For example, instead of “You neglect me when you’re with them,” one might learn to say “When you made last-minute plans and I didn’t hear from you all evening, I felt anxious and unimportant. In the future, could you send me a quick text if plans change, so I feel considered?”

This kind of formula reduces defensiveness and focuses on solutions. Another framework is the Gottman Method for couples, which isn’t specific to polyamory but has tools like “I appreciate” statements, “love maps” (knowing your partner’s inner world), and rituals of connection that can bolster a relationship’s resilience.

Gottman’s research also emphasizes not responding to partner’s bids for reassurance with stonewalling or contempt – a good principle in any relationship, especially here where responding to bids (like an insecure partner’s bid for attention or affirmation) with warmth is crucial3.

Some polyamorous couples also create a regular check-in practice – e.g., a weekly meeting where they review how everyone is feeling, bring up any jealousy in a calm setting, and adjust agreements if necessary.

A therapist can help set this up initially, acting almost as a facilitator or giving a checklist of topics (time management, sexual health, emotional highlights/lowlights of the week, etc.). Over time, the couple or group can continue these on their own. The idea is to make communication routine and preventive, rather than only as a reaction to crisis.

Group Workshops or Coaching

There are also practical workshops (sometimes led by sex educators or therapists) specifically about jealousy management in polyamory. They often teach a combination of the above strategies in a group setting. Sometimes hearing others ask questions or role-play scenarios can give new insights.

If one or both partners are open to it, attending such workshops or doing a structured program (some coaches offer multi-week courses on open relationship skills) can systematically build competence and confidence. They may cover everything from time management, unpacking emotions, to metamour etiquette. These are less formal than therapy but can complement it.

In applying any of these approaches, it’s essential that the professional involved (if there is one) does not impose monogamous values as the solution. The goal is not to “fix” the issue by closing the relationship (unless all parties independently come to that decision for their own reasons), but rather to develop emotional skills and relationship practices that allow the open relationship to thrive without debilitating insecurity.

Encouragingly, research shows that people in CNM who utilize good communication and coping strategies often have outcomes (relationship satisfaction, personal well-being) comparable to or even better than monogamous counterparts​45, undermining the stereotype that open relationships are inherently full of jealousy and insecurity.

With the right tools – whether self-taught or guided by professionals – individuals can transform their experience of inadequacy into an opportunity for personal growth, and couples (or polycules) can emerge stronger, with a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and a greater sense of security in their bonds.

Conclusion:

Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in open relationships are a real, human response to the complex dynamics of loving more than one.

Psychologically, they spring from deep wells of attachment needs, self-esteem, and social conditioning.

Sociologically, they’re shaped by the clash between monogamous norms and consensual non-monogamy’s ideals, and clinically, they present in ways that are both unique and familiar in relationship therapy.

The encouraging news is that these feelings can be managed and mitigated. Through honest introspection, open communication, mutual support, and sometimes professional guidance, individuals can learn to soothe their jealous anxieties and reinforce their sense of worth.

Partners can reaffirm their commitment and care in ways that shore up the relationship’s security. In many cases, the process of working through insecurity leads to personal insights and relationship breakthroughs that enrich the connection.

Consensual non-monogamy, when approached mindfully, often demands more communication and emotional work than default monogamy – but many find that this work pays off with relationships that are profoundly honest, intentional, and resilient.

By applying the psychological theories and expert strategies discussed – from attachment repair to cognitive reframing and beyond – those practicing open relationships can move from a place of fear and “not enough” to one of confidence, empathy, and securely knowing their own value in the tapestry of their partner’s life.

1: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov | 2: wisdomwithinct.com | 3: affirmativecouch.com | 4: ftm.aamft.org | 5: attachmentproject.com | 

Sources:

  1. Moors, A. C., et al. “Perceived Impacts of Partners’ Other Relationships on Oneself in Consensual Nonmonogamy.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, vol. 52, 2023, pp. 1005–1024. (See discussion of common negative feelings like insecurity and fear of the unknown) pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov  pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.

  2. Torres, I. W. “Consensual non-monogamy in Humboldt County: An exploration of jealousy, intimacy, and emergent relational ideologies.” (Master’s Thesis, 2019). (Identifies fear of abandonment and fear of inadequacy as emotions intertwined with jealousy in CNM, and discusses reframing jealousy via compersion) digitalcommons.humboldt.edu  digitalcommons.humboldt.edu.

  3. FindPoly (blog). “Navigating Emotional Triggers.” The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Polyamory, 2023. (Notes that comparison to other partners can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt in polyamory)​ findpoly.com.

  4. Blasko, K. M., & Jensen, J. F. “Consensual Non-Monogamy and Attachment Styles.” Family Therapy Magazine, vol. 22, no. 4, 2023. (Highlights how secure attachment correlates with relationship satisfaction in CNM and monogamy; anxious attachers may anticipate jealousy more)​ ftm.aamft.org  ftm.aamft.org.

  5. Ferrer, J. (Review of Polysecure by Jessica Fern). Greater Good Magazine, Dec 2020. (Discusses how monogamy provides an illusion of security and CNM can expose attachment wounds, e.g., triggering fear of abandonment when a spouse dates others) greatergood.berkeley.edu  greatergood.berkeley.edu.

  6. Nelson, T. “Dealing with Jealousy in Open Relationships.” Psychotherapy Networker, 2022. (Provides advice: focus on self-esteem, identify what specifically triggers jealousy, have honest discussions. Suggests statements to start the conversation and lists questions from Susan Wenzel to explore one’s jealousy narrative) psychotherapynetworker.org psychotherapynetworker.org.

  7. Sullivan, S. M. “Managing Jealousy in a Polyamorous Relationship.” Out on the Couch (Affirmative Couch blog), 2019. (Recommends self-reflection on jealousy’s sources: comparing oneself, fear of loss, feeling out of control or neglected. Also advises finding a poly-affirmative therapist if struggling)​ affirmativecouch.comaffirmativecouch.com.

  8. Sheff, E. “Five Strategies to Manage Jealousy.” Psychology Today – The Polyamorists Next Door blog, Feb 2016. (Details practical tips: the “Three D’s” – Discuss, Distract, Do; writing negative thoughts on cards and countering them; investing in oneself; facing underlying emotions via the “jealousy pie chart”; seeking support)​ psychologytoday.com  psychologytoday.com.

  9. Labriola, K. The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships. (Book, 2013). (Not directly quoted above, but referenced via Sheff: introduces the concept of jealousy being composed of fear, anger, sadness, etc., and the use of a “jealousy pie chart” to break down and address those components) psychologytoday.com.

  10. AttachmentProject.com. “Is Ethical Non-Monogamy Linked to Insecure Attachment?”, 2021. (Dispels the myth that ENM practitioners are mostly insecurely attached; notes that ENM requires communication that can help people face and resolve insecurities) attachmentproject.com  attachmentproject.com.